Huda Hakawi

Volunteering in Calgary to change the world.

2009-02-11T13:17:00.002-07:00

I am making a plea to the world-at-large for your resources. Though it seems like everyone is making pleas for so many of your resources, this plea is NOT about money. It is about your time.

Sanctuary@Knox needs MENTORS. Sanctuary@Knox is a learning centre at Knox United Church that is open from Monday – Thursdays from 9:00 AM to 4:00 PM. Inner-city youth can come to learn whatever they want to learn. It is intended to be a safe place for these individuals to “hang out,” check email, learn new skills, and be part of a growing community where they belong and where they are valued without judgment. Research regarding the resiliency of youth tells us that if youth have the following, they will be able to meet the varying challenges of adulthood:
• the necessary skills to solve problems and engage in rewarding work
• a sense that they are part of a caring community
• a voice in directing their future
• a sense that they are valued by others
Sanctuary@Knox endeavours to provide this for the clients that come.

The clientele are all youths that are not living at home. They live in the emergency shelters available to them. These kids are not enrolled in school programs. Because most of them are “status” youths with Child Welfare, they are not brought before truancy review committees, as it is recognized that such committees really can’t force the kids to go to school. Traditional learning environments have not worked for these kids. At present, all clients of Sanctuary@Knox have been diagnosed ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disordered) and most of them (all but one) have also been diagnosed ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disordered). Traditional medications have not been considered successful for them. They have been out of school for extended periods of time. It makes the work with them extremely exciting and challenging. Normal instructional techniques do not work for long.

However, clients are coming. One client, who, in the past few years, has not attended any program for more than a few hours, has logged in close to 100 hours here. I can’t say that he is actively involved in a structured academic program; however, he continues to attend and wants to work on achieving his high school equivalency. In fact, that is the goal of all our clients at the moment, though there is much work to be done before that will be a realistic goal for them. The Government of Alberta is making provisions for us to enroll our clients in distance education for no fee and will negotiate the provision of funds to the project for every high school credit earned by them.

I am looking for volunteers who would mentor individual clients. The time commitment I am looking for is one-half to one-full day a week for the next 6 months (or half to one full day per month, per two weeks, for some period of time). You are not expected to “teach” in any formal manner. Rather you would be here on your given day, meet specifically with your client, and be present in the learning centre. In December I wrote the following in our newsletter regarding the qualifications needed:

"Once the program is begun, a volunteer is assigned as a “mentor” to support this young person on his/her journey. The Mentor simply provides a presence with the learner so that they have someone nearby for support. Mentors help by asking learners if everything is OK. Mentors observe when frustration is developing and suggest a break for, perhaps, coffee or a snack (we will supply the coffee and snacks). Mentors help by being able to reword questions and providing alternate vocabulary. Mentors help communicate that the person is accepted, welcome, and valued.

Though they are tremendously important to the program, mentors need no special training other than possessing good listening skills, an ability to remain non-judgmental with someone who is struggling to learn, and a large amount of patience. Having a good sense of humour is also a welcome quality, but not necessarily crucial."

Since that time, I realize that some training would be an asset and I am willing to engage in training sessions for those who would like to do so. These kids have very colourful vocabularies. Setting boundaries and establishing your own comfort level is part of the work we do with them. Their histories would make many cringe with discomfort, yet these kids do survive and have learned what it takes to do so.

We do NOT discuss religion, any particular belief system, or try to convert these kids. I have told them that we won’t talk religion unless they bring it up and we will only answer the question being asked.

We do use technology to assist these kids. During my doctoral research, I became aware of many programs that might assist learners and have upgraded the computers in the lab (3 machines) to have this software. You do NOT need to be computer literate to be a mentor. I take care of that portion as new clients arrive. It won’t hurt to have some awareness, but it is NOT required.

We also use digital photography, video, sound recording, web cams, etc. to assist kids. Representing their knowledge through video, photography, and sound recordings is one of the many ways we can build their expertise with language skills, editing, sharing information, processing information, and communicating with others. This all assists in transforming their self-identities from that of “non-learner” to that of “learner.”

Having said that this is not a plea for funds, we could ALWAYS use funds. Contributions are tax deductible when made payable to “Knox United Church.” Make sure to note “for Sanctuary@Knox” on the cheque. We can also use working digital cameras and video equipment if you have some lying around that are not being used. However, this is actually a plea for your time. Please consider us as you plan your volunteer time and think about how you could make the life of one of these kids change for the positive.

If you have an interest in being a mentor, please contact me by email (dmoulton@knoxunited.ab.ca), by phone (403-269-8382 ext 29 and leave a message) or by writing a comment on my blog. All volunteers must be vetted through a police check service provided by the United Church of Canada at no cost to the volunteer.

The continuing Journey

2009-02-09T15:53:00.003-07:00

I will try to keep my postings shorter, more concise, and brief. It is not one of my strengths. I believe that I must look at all possible angles of a topic in order to be sure that I am not misunderstood.

The kids keep coming and I am now looking to expand my volunteer base. I originally planned to assign a mentor to each participant and thought that the mentors would come whenever the participant came. That would have been practical only if participants came once a week or infrequently. What is happening is that most participants come for a good part of the day every day. Who can ask that of a volunteer?

So now, with the advice and suggestion of one of the people on my advisory board (aren't advisory boards wonderful?), we are looking to ask people to come for half a day (or a full day) once a week. This feels more doable. I wonder if even this is too much to ask of people. What do you think?

In the meantime, I am finding that I have to close the centre whenever I have to be out of it for any reason. For example, we have team meetings every Tuesday afternoon from 2:00 PM to 3:30 PM. I tried just going over to my colleague's office for this meeting and leaving the kids here. However, they are all ADD. It is too much to ask of them to stay out of any trouble for that length of time. So I need to close for that time.

As I increase my volunteer corps, I will be able to stay open and leave for short periods of time and even for longer ones. So what does one think? Is half a day once a week too much to ask?

Almost a year later!

2009-02-04T14:10:00.003-07:00

Can you believe it? Santuary@Knox is actually up and running!

It took the better part of a year to get going, however, it really is up and running! The Pilot is still underway, but the project has clients, we do stuff, and we are all learning lots!

Just a reminder....
Santuary@Knox is a learning centre that is run out of the church for kids who live and circulate throughout the city centre. Most of the clientele are not currently enrolled in a school. Most have not been to school in multiple years. The oldest person coming is 17, with the youngest being 15. These kids have all been under the jurisdiction of Child Welfare at some point with most of them being continuing clients of the Social Services industry.

Clients can come to the church to learn anything they wish to learn. This is an interesting phenomenon, because most of these kids really don't know what they want to learn, just that there is a lot of stuff to learn. As they haven't been in school for a long time, they really don't have a lot of ability to stay focused on anything for very long. At the moment, everyone who has come to Santuary@Knox has been diagnosed ADHD and have had very unsuccessful experiences with medication intended to treat ADHD.

The theory behind the program is to allow individuals to come to the church to learn something they want to learn. I have some good assistive technologies available. With these, I hope to show them that they truly can learn something and to transform their self-identities from being non-learners to being learners. It sounds simple enough, however, it really is complicated with all their history in schools, their individual histories at home and in foster care, their drug use, their experiences with incarceration and the legal system, and their understanding of what churches do.

I know that the process can work through my experiences in schools and through my doctoral research. However, this is a really interesting group with which to work and the process is far more complicated. The hurdles are huge and can seem insurmountable, What seems to happen is that, just when I am about to give up, something happens to give me a glimmer of hope and then I remember to trust the process. Things take time. It took more than a few days to produce all the baggage they carry around with them. It will take time to see real change happen.

Though I did state that learning is occurring (and I strongly believe that to be truth), there is currently very little "academic" learning happening within this setting (if any). First of all, the kids need to learn that I can be trusted. That is likely their first hurdle to overcome, though getting through the church doors is really difficult for some of them. Trust is crucial for them - to be able to take the necessary risks that learning entails. I think I'd like to write just about those risks some day, as it seems that many people do not understand how big a risk that is for these people. Maybe next time.

Learning to trust me entails all kinds of tests (good and bad experiences). There are purposeful tests as well as those that just happen in day-to-day interactions. Though I hate "being on guard," I realize that almost any situation can develop into a teachable moment about trust. So I am so incredibly intentional about this work.

Another aspect of learning about trust is me learning that I can trust them. This is sometimes very amusing, as the way adults typically trust kids doesn't really work in this situation. These kids are street survivors. One of my clients has been under the supervision of Child Welfare since being in early elementary school. Most adults have failed these kids - from their point of view. Their parents are seen to have failed to keep them safe. Teachers have failed to help them learn what they think they need to learn. Social workers fail to give them what they think they need. In some cases, the kids may be right. Whether they are or not, adults are not seen to be the source of a lot of care and support. So they know how to manipulate them to meet their perceived needs. Though I need to learn to trust them, I can not use the "normal" filters to determine whether they are trustworthy. Instead, I try to determine if I can trust how they might react or behave in certain situations. I have to learn when I can believe what they tell me and when it really doesn't matter what they say. The whole process of developing my trust in them is really a new experience for me and I feel like I am learning so much.

Just learning about each other is really an interesting process. As this is a pilot and the budget is minimal, I am alone with them most of the time. There is a plan for including volunteers, however, I have had to drastically revise that plan as I go along. For the moment, I have to accept that I am alone with them.

This has some of those closest to me extremely concerned. Because I am a gay man, they feel that I am extremely vulnerable to false accusations of sexual misconduct. Though this could be a very real possibility, I have lived with this all my career. As a male in an elementary school, I was often alone with children. As a secondary teacher, I was also often alone with students. There were times when we went on extended field trips in the wilderness, to Quebec, and other places where I would find myself alone with individual students. I have had to trust my own instincts and trust that when I am centrered on meeting the needs of someone else, my own behaviours will reflect that sense of service to others. In 34 years, I have not had a problem with it. As a trusted male in an elementary school, students often came to see me as a pseudo-parental figure. It is a common experience among teachers. As such, kids would approach me for different kinds of nurture. When a needy child approaches you for a hug, I don't think I can say "Sorry, this might be misunderstood by an observer, so stay well away from me."

This does not mean that I am not careful. I always ensure that my hugging is done in very public places where I can be observed by many rather than a few. I try to be extremely aware, so that I am sure that I let go as soon as a child begins to let go. I also am on the alert for any kind of inappropriate expressions. Otherwise, I become naively vulnerable. Some might say that I am being naive in spite of my diligence, however, I need to set my own boundaries. If I am here to help, then I need to be free to do so. All the same, I am extremely self-reflective about whose needs are being met and what my intentions truly are. So far, this has kept things clear.

So lots of the learning at this juncture is about social interaction. There is also a lot of two-way learning. They teach me stuff each day, and I hope they are learning from me. We share technological expertise. We share learning processes. We learn about each other. When they are ready, which will be an individual experience, we will enter into a more structural learning experience. At the moment it continues to be very experiential and not following much of a planned sequence.

I invite you to share this journey with us through this blog, which I plan on adding to much more frequently.

Your comments are always welcome.

Revisiting Water-to-Wine

2008-02-07T08:38:00.000-07:00

We bottled out wine last weekend! It was a family effort with children, their parents, and some of our other congregational members joining in the process!

I remind you that we engaged in this activity as a result of our discussion of the Wedding Feast at Cana. Jesus and his mother were there, weddings lasting around a week in duration during the time of Jesus, and the wine was running out after only three days. Running out of wine would have brought all kinds of dishonour to the family of the bride, so Mary looked to her son to do something. Jesus, feeling that the right time to start sharing his understanding of the power of God had not yet come, replied that it really wasn't his affair. Mary, not to let her son off the hook, simply told the servants to do whatever Jesus said.

This is where I think the brilliance of Jesus shines through. He never even touched the wine, the containers it was in, or entered into the process at all. He told the servants to fill some very large jugs that were present for other reasons, with water. He told one of the servants to take a dipper of water to the wine steward. When the wine steward tasted it, he was impressed with the quality of the wine.

No hocus pocus! No magic! He chose ordinary everyday elements to use for this miracle. He had servants do the work. He also connected very strong symbolism to the entire process. Jesus often uses images of water in his stories. Water is part of all of us. Water also represents us in our everyday existence. Water represents the "mundane." Wine represents the "spirit." Wine is us as we are infused by the spirit. Wine become the reflection of our spiritual selves. By choosing everyday elements, by having the work done by everyday people, by not touching the process himself, Jesus lets us know that nurturing our spiritual beings can be something we do for ourselves.

So Jesus can do this in Kairos - the opportune time, the necessary time. As we looked at our process, we needed time - Chronos - linear time. So as we entered into our individual journeys from water to wine, we made the wine. Saturday, we bottled it. Here are some photos of the process we followed during the bottling. If you want to see the earlier wine making, have a look at the October blog entries.

Washing the bottles

Filling them with the wine

Inserting corks

Designing a Label

The final Product!

Justice: Where does this live in today's churches?

2008-01-31T18:00:00.000-07:00

I attended a meeting last week regarding what our church might do to take a stand regarding Justice. We are encouraged to "Live justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with our God." When do we do Justice?

I do believe that the Sanctuary@Knox program is all about justice, but I also know that it won't restructure society, the city, or even the education system. I see it as my own, and whomever volunteers to support the project, justice action. When I think about the church "doing justice," I would like to think that it will have an impact. I would hope that it would transform, not only those who engage in the activity, but society itself.

I'm not naive enough to believe that it will all happen overnight. It will take enormous energy to find the type of action that most of the church community will agree to support. But I also want to spend my energy on something that is worthwhile and something where we have a chance of success.

I was very impressed that the Committee to End Homelessness presented their plan this week. I was very skeptical about the committee when it was formed. (I have an inherent mistrust of committees composed of business-people.) All-the-same, I think they have come a long way to find a plan that COULD be successful. I still think there are aspects of the plan that are missing and some of the issues are not addressed, however, they actually have a plan. I hope it has success.

What will we look at here.....?

Justice for Youth who aren't successful in regular learning environments

2008-01-24T15:05:00.000-07:00

What is it about justice that we almost never consider children or youth as having Justice Issues? What is it about me that seems to centre on them first, before looking far afield for other causes for which I can work?

I suppose it comes from making teaching and learning my mission for such a large part of my life. I know the education system from the inside. I know how it works. It works wonderfully for many children and youth. However, it does NOT work for everyone.

One group in particular that has my attention is the group of children and youth that struggle with print text. These kids are not ready to learn to read when they come to school. They are not ready to learn to write either. School systems spend many dollars and expend huge amounts of energy to try to get these individuals ready for reading and writing. They do this in the name of LITERACY.

What is unfortunate is that we, in Canada and North America, continue to think that one is not literate unless they can read and write. Of course, this means that if you are unable to read and write, you must be illiterate - or at least according to the prevalent thinking about literacy. Being labeled "illiterate" is a very serious thing! It completely messes with one's self-identity. Most believe that being "illiterate" means that you really can't learn. If one can't learn, then why spend any more money or energy trying to help? It must be a waste of both valuable resources.

Another unfortunate aspect of this topic is that schools all over North America are primarily organized around using print text as a learning medium. Granted, in Kindergarten and for parts of grade 1, print text is not the central medium for learning. However, once the reading task is successful for the majority of students (around the middle of grade 2 to the end of grade 3), print text become the predominant source of information. This is true in books, on the internet, and even in what are considered as alternate resources: newspapers, magazines, pamphlets, etc. Many teachers employ audio visual resources to enhance learning: films, multi-media presentations, theatre productions, etc. But most teachers see these as enhancements, not core resources.

There is a hegemony of print in school-based learning institutions. There is also very little desire to review this hegemony or to evaluate it. Millions of dollars are invested in textbooks, novels, encyclopedias, resource books, anthologies, and computer programs that are primarily print based. Teacher training, especially secondary teacher training, focuses on print as the learning resource. Little energy is directed towards learning that employs resources that do not involve print.

After the first few years of schooling, almost all strategies for evaluation, especially standardized assessment tools, involve print as the primary medium. Even assessment tools that are designed to diagnose learning problems rely heavily on print as the medium of communication.

So what happens to the students who do not read and write?

They FAIL!

Am I wrong?

What is the result of this failure?

Our jails are full of them. The homeless shelters are full of them. Unemployment programs are full of them. Those who live in poverty have more than a passing familiarity with this phenomenon.

So I suggest that we take a look at youth, our learning institutions, the hegemony of print text, the injustice of a continental societal structure that continues to turn its back on those who learn best through other media and focus some of our "justice energy" in that direction.

We might actually be able to do something about this issue!

Christmas Eve @ Knox 2007

2008-01-10T13:09:00.000-07:00

It's always interesting to try new things. I am an advocate of taking risks for growth and learning. I encourage others to do it, and I try to force myself to do the same. The thing about risk-taking is that there is no guarantee that the results will be what was desired. (I had originally written "positive", however, that is such a judgmental call. Who says that what happens is positive or negative?)

This Christmas Eve was my first as a staff member at Knox. I wanted to ensure that the early service (a major responsibility) would be something people remembered with fondness. So I thought I'd write a story that followed the journey that the children and I took during Advent. I worked hard on this story and tried to infuse it with all kinds of liturgical aspects and learning aspects that would make the story of Jesus' birth come alive for those gathered. We also added a multi-media aspect with images to enhance the story and we interspersed appropriate carols throughout. A time was also inserted for Communion. These aspects have been removed from the story that follows. It is lengthy, so "courage!"

Introducing the Story of Humaira

Christmas comes every year and we have celebrated it now, for almost 2000 years. It’s an old story. For many of us, it is a familiar one. Sometimes, when things become familiar, really familiar, we journey through them without noticing what is truly occurring. In our “mundane,” day-to-day lives, we might see this as a blessing. However, going through the day on “auto-pilot” creates a hazard that we might miss what is truly miraculous. Miracles occur around us all the time. When our lives reach that stage of familiarity that produces the “auto-pilot” function, we go along without noticing the miraculous – even when it is right in front of us.

I work with the children and youth of our community here at Knox. We have been spending Advent, trying to experience the birth of Christ; again, as if it were the very first time we have experienced it.

There is a tradition within the Jewish faith (and followed by many other faiths) of taking scripture and interpreting it to bring sense to it for contemporary meaning. The Hebrews call it "Midrash." We have been looking at the entire story and trying different modern-day interpretations of it to help us see the miraculous aspects of this story. Whether we are close or not is not necessarily the important aspect. What is truly important is how this might bring the scripture alive to us. Throughout the service, you will see scripture headings listed in the bulletin. We are not reading the original scripture verses. They refer to the scripture to which the story relates.

We invite you to do the same this evening as we sing carols, listen to stories, and hear anthems. Though most of the songs will be familiar to you, the story has some new interpretations. Try to experience the wonder, the glory, and the miracle that this birth really is for us in the Christian faith.

For those of you who are feeling like children or youth, I invite you to come up to the stage and listen, as these young folk are doing. We have lots of carpet mats to help soften the hard floor. By doing so, you may get a chance to do some of the wondrous and glorious things that might happen this evening.

Humaira

a story for Christmas Eve 2007

There were so many things that drove Humaira away from her family that they are not worth mentioning. It is worth mentioning that it was an amazing feat that she was able to do so and remain sane. She had been living on the streets for about a year when she first discovered that she was pregnant. She wasn’t planning on having a baby, she still felt way too young to be a mother. But here she was, holding her newborn baby. Standing beside her, was the young man whom she loved more deeply each day they were together. Though there was no rational explanation, she knew that they were going to be alright. This baby would grow to be someone special, and they were going to love him deeply.

It had begun, close to a year ago, when that crazy bag-lady walked by one day. Humaira usually kept her eyes straight forward whenever she came across the woman, just so that she wouldn’t encourage any comments. This day, however, her gaze was attracted to her as she walked by. Even more surprising was the woman’s demeanor. She looked absolutely gentle and loving. Light seemed to glow warmly from her face.

“Oh my God! You are the chosen one!” she had said. “You’re having a baby!”

Humaira ignored her. “You! Humaira! You’re having a baby!”

“How’d you know my name?” This is what seemed to concern Humaira the most. She knew well that she was not going to have a baby. She was very careful not to do anything that might result in more responsibilities.

“That doesn’t matter. All my friends know you. The universe knows you and loves you. And you’re going to have a beautiful little baby.” The woman seemed calm. She actually seemed sane, though Humaira knew that everyone thought her crazy. She wore her hair in snake-like dread-locks. Humaira’s friends on the street referred to her as “Medusa.”

Humaira looked kindly at the woman and said “Thank you for the wonderful news. I know that I’m not having a baby. I know that I’ve done nothing that could result in a baby. Thank you anyway!”

Medusa just shook her head and smiled at Humaira. “You are truly blessed!” was the last thing the woman said before continuing along her way. “Remember that! You are blessed!”

She didn’t mention it to her boyfriend. That was all it would take to see Affiz disappear for good. A baby! Things had been really stable and good between them. She didn’t need anything to mess this up. Humaira’s feelings for him were deepening. Together, they might have a chance of escaping this life on the streets. Individually, it would be impossible.

It must have been a month later that the doctor at CUPS gave her the news. She had gone in to check to see if she had some kind of food poisoning. Her body was feeling weird and she could not seem to keep breakfast in her stomach. Humaira could tell that the doctor was trying very hard to hide her true feelings about the news.

“I have wonderful news for you. No food poisoning, but I’m pretty sure that you’re going to have a baby.” The doctor was smiling, but Humaira could see the concern in her eyes.

Humaira, herself, didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “You’re kidding, right?” she had asked the doctor.

“Well, I can’t be sure just yet, but the test I did on the urine sample tells me that you’re pregnant. This test rarely gives a false positive. It’s more likely to give a false negative.” The doctor then asked some questions about her cycle and present health. By the end of the conversation, Humaira was pretty sure that the doctor was right. She couldn’t help thinking, though, that she had truly done nothing to have this result. It was troubling.

“As I said, it is still early on. Perhaps you and your husband should talk about what you want to do and come back and see me in a few days. I can help you with whatever decisions you make.” The doctor went on to explain how important it would be to watch her nutrition throughout the pregnancy, how important it would be to avoid alcohol, how to care for herself as well as growing fetus inside.

Humaira heard little other than how she and her husband should come back in a few days. Husband! She had no husband. She was convinced that she wouldn’t even have a boyfriend once Affiz learned about the baby. What was she going to tell him? She had continually put him off from being very intimate so she could avoid a situation like this. What would he think of her? She left the doctor feeling like her stable and deepening relationship was about to end.

As luck would have it, Affiz was there to meet her when she left CUPS.

“How’d it go? Is it really food poisoning?” He seemed calm. Humaira wondered how long that would last.

“Not food poisoning.” She responded. “You won’t believe what it really is.” She figured she might as well get this over with. She had resolved long ago that no relationship was worth lying.

“Let me guess.” He said playfully. “You’re pregnant!”

“That’s not funny, you know.” She responded, preparing herself for the next statement she would make.

“No, I’m not trying to be funny. You remember that crazy bag-lady who pushes that big shopping cart along the mall? Medusa?” Affiz seemed about to tell her a long story. Humaira tried to stop him before she lost her courage.

“She stopped me yesterday and told me that you were going to have a baby. She also told me that I wasn’t the father, but that it shouldn’t bother me and that I should raise him anyway. Can you imagine? I didn’t think she even knew you or me. I certainly didn’t think that she knew we were together.” Affiz went on to tell her about how this woman had told him that Humaira was going to have a beautiful baby and how important it was that Affiz stay with Humaira, how important it was to support her and help her raise this baby.

“At first, I thought she was totally nuts. I began to think about what it would be like to be a father. It wasn’t a pretty picture! However, I also thought about what it would be like to be without you. That picture was even uglier.

Last night, I even dreamed about it. My grandfather came to me in this dream and told me that you were going to have a baby. My grandfather died when I was four. But in my dream, he knew you. He told me that you were going to have a baby and that I wasn’t the father. He told me that I should stay with you anyway. In my dream, I decided that, even if you’d been fooling around with someone else,” he chose this moment to scowl severely at her. “I’d want to be with you. Isn’t that sweet?” Affiz gave her that look that he gave whenever he tried to convince someone that he was nothing but sweetness and light. She knew very well that “sweetness and light” didn’t allow one to survive on the streets.

“Not only is that sweet, Affiz, but I will take that as your commitment to me to help me raise the baby that seems to be growing inside me.”

At that point, she burst into tears. It was all she could take. She didn’t know how all this was happening, but Affiz seemed to know that she was pregnant. Medusa seemed to know she was as well. The only one who didn’t seem to understand how this could be true, was Humaira. The stress of the conversation with the doctor, the worry she felt about Affiz’ reaction and the probable end of their relationship, the complete bewilderment she felt about this story Affiz had told her, her own memory of what the same lady had told her weeks earlier all seemed to pour out of her as she sobbed.

She almost missed the fact that she was sobbing into Affiz’ shoulder; that he was comforting her; that he was consoling her; and that he was not beating a hasty retreat.

That was a long time ago, now. Since that time, some things had changed. Her body had made some considerable changes. She was now obviously going to have a baby. Humaira wondered if she was going to have a whole litter – she would never have imagined she could be this big. Other things had changed as well.

Affiz, who had seemed in the past to have had horrid luck in getting and keeping any decent job, had been working for about six months as a framer for a large established construction company. The company was happy with his work. They had promoted him to foreman for his crew. He was doing a job he had wanted for a long time. The company paid benefits and they had some long-term contracts for two high-rises that would keep Affiz employed for quite a long time. This was beginning to look like a secure possibility.

Between his job and hers at the coffee shop, they were saving money for the security deposit, the first and last months’ rents, and hoped to find an apartment they could afford.

An older cousin had moved to Calgary just after Humaira had learned she was pregnant. Humaira was not in contact with most of her immediate family because of some bad history. However, Her cousin, Elspeth, had always seemed more like a friendly aunt than a cousin. She and her husband were much older that Affiz and Humaira. Soon after they arrived in Calgary, given birth to her first baby. They wanted Humaira to provide childcare after both babies were born. This way, Humaira could still earn some money after the baby came. Hopefully, they might have enough money to get into an apartment before the baby was born.

The time was rapidly approaching for that event. She had stopped working at the coffee shop and had begun providing child care for her cousin’s new child. She loved taking care of him. From the first moment that Humaira had contact with this little one, she had felt a special connection. Even her own baby, inside, seemed more active whenever they were together. Her baby would bounce around like on a trampoline – only Humaira’s bladder seemed to be the trampoline. All the same, it gave her a wonderful feeling knowing that there were two lives that would be connected.

An important change for both of them was Inn from the Cold. They had seemed to have a regular spot at Inn from the Cold.

Initially, Humaira hadn’t liked using Inn from the Cold. There seemed to be a lot of restrictions. Affiz, however, encouraged them to go there. He felt is was important to have a regular schedule, an almost consistent group of friends, and he reminded Humaira that they both needed to be in bed early, not drink alcohol, and not be around constant cigarette smoke. Affiz was turning out to be a good future father.

The closer it came for the time of her baby’s birth, the worse the weather seemed to get. Today, the snow was coming down fast and furiously. The temperature was rapidly descending. They were glad when they got to the church and began to settle in for the night. Humaira looked forward to the time she would be able to prepare their own dinners. She loved to cook and she was fabulous at it. It was a gift she cultivated and appreciated.

As they arrived, there was a communion service occurring in the sanctuary. Humaira had never been to a Christian Church during a communion service. She was very curious about it. In this service, they served communion through a process called “Intinction”. She learned that there were two very important symbols: the Bread and the Wine. The bread represented the body of Christ, broken two thousand years ago, but represented today through the bread – a staple of every day living. The wine represented the Blood of Christ, shed two thousand years ago, but symbolically shared today through wine or grape juice. In this communion celebration, Humaira was taught to break the bread of life and to dip it into the cup of juice. That way, she was taking the body and blood of Christ into her own body so that the spirit of Christ could live on through her. She loved the symbolism because everything she knew about Christ or Jesus showed him to be a loving, spiritual and peaceful person. In her culture, she believed that everyone was divine in some way. She felt that this was a wonderful way to celebrate the divinity of everyone who took part in communion.

After dinner, Affiz once again provided the group with entertainment. He was teaching all those gathered a dance. Affiz and his dancing had been one of the things that had first attracted Humaira to him. She had seen him singing in an alley one summer evening trying to teach a whole group of men one of the dances he had learned from his grandfather. Having no music, Affiz was singing a tune and the lyrics were his directions for those gathered for the dance.

“Your left foot does this twice while you shift your weight to the right foot. Be ready to shift it back and do the same with your right foot. Good going. Now watch carefully as I join hands with the person next to me….”

Humaira thought Affiz had the most amazing singing voice. His grace, when he danced, bedazzled her. Here she was again, being bedazzled. “Good thing, too,” she thought. “My back is killing me and I need the distraction.”

Humaira brought a chair away from the table in the large room where the guests had just eaten and were now dancing in one very large circle. She was able to wave away those who tried to get her to dance with them. She just pointed to that large tummy in front of her and they backed off.

As they finished one dance and were demanding another, Dave, the Inn coordinator, came into the room. He had gone to a convenience store to get some coffee cream. “That’s a blizzard out there!” he exclaimed. “There’s hardly a vehicle on the streets. I just heard on the radio that the transit system is shut down until the snow stops.”

The cooking team began worrying about whether they’d make it home if the streets were so bad.

“I wouldn’t take my car out there tonight!” declared Dave. “You’d be crazy to drive tonight! You might want to think about staying the night!”

This did not seem to comfort those in the kitchen. Humaira went in to talk with them. “Hey, don’t worry. We are lucky that we are here. You’d be surprised how comfortable it can be on the floor. We’re safe here. That’s better than trying to get home and having an accident.”

Seeing Humaira, and hearing her talk this way was comforting for those who had prepared the meal. If she could relax in her condition, they should be able to do the same. “Let’s just hope you don’t go into labour!” replied one of the cooks.

Within a minute, the first contraction began. Within the hour, a private space had been created and an ambulance had been phoned. The ambulance could not promise when they would be able to get there as many of the streets were blocked with fender-benders and snow removal trucks that had slid into each other. They found a small room that looked like a classroom and made a space for Humaira in case the ambulance didn’t get there in time. Her contractions were coming quickly – almost no time in between.

Within ninety minutes, the population at this particular Inn from the Cold had increased by one very loud and noisy baby. Humaira had wrapped her newborn in clean dishtowels and was breastfeeding him as Affiz looked on in wonder.

About two blocks away, in an alley behind a large and elegant hotel, there was a group of homeless youths gathered by one of the exhaust fans from the kitchen. They had been turned away from the shelters that were filled beyond capacity. No one seemed to be able to take in anyone more. They gathered here, so they could keep warm and look out for each other. As they were planning how they would go through the night, Medusa pushed her cart rapidly towards them.

“Hey, you guys! Listen up! You know Affiz?”

The guys looked at each other and wondered what the heck she was going to say. “What do you want to know about Affiz?” one of them replied. “He’s no business of yours!”

They knew him well.

“Well, I have tremendous news!” she replied with an obvious excitement and joy. “A baby has been born! A boy! Humaira has a baby boy!”

The group began to shy away from the lady. They all knew that Affiz and Humaira were going to be parents, but they couldn’t see what Medusa had to do with them.

“Don’t be afraid!” she yelled back as they continued to retreat. “Wait! Let me tell you! This baby has just been born! You’ll know I’m telling you the truth because you can go see him! See that light shining above?” At that moment, the snow stopped falling and the clouds began to clear a spot just above the spire of a downtown church. A bright light shone from that spot.

“Follow that light! Go to the church below that light and you will find a beautiful and wonderful baby. You’ll find him wrapped in dishtowels and being held by his mother! This is a special baby – a blessed baby!”

As soon as she finished, a whole group of bottle collectors appeared around her and they all began shouting the same thing. “Go see the baby! Go see the wonderful child! Praise the heavens and let love return to all the earth! Peace be with you all! Bless you!”

In spite of some of their wariness, the group decided to go see what the woman was talking about. They went to the church. They weren’t quite sure why, because they knew that the Inn from the Cold rules would not let anyone open up to them. When they got there, they were surprised that they were allowed to go in.

As soon as they entered the building, they could hear the cry of a baby. Looking in wonder at each other, they went toward the noise. They entered a small room that seemed to be crammed with people sitting on the floor. Sitting in an old over-stuffed chair was Humaira, holding a baby. She was singing softly to him.

You make me so very happy,
I thank all the universe...
Even in poverty, I am rich with love,
for you, for your children, for your children’s children…

May love follow you, your whole life long.
I’ll love you forever; I’ll like you for always,

As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.

(Thank you Robert Munsch for the last two lines!)

Affiz stood next to her. He looked up when he saw them enter. “What the hey……?”

Darren, one of the youths from the alley called above the heads of those on the floor. “Affiz, you won’t believe this!”

“Try me!” Affiz replied. “I’ll believe anything.”

Darren continued. “That old lady, Medusa? She came running up to us and told us that you guys had just had your baby. How did she know? She told us you’d be here. How’d she know that? Did you know that there’s a bright light shining above this church? She told us to follow that light and we’d find you here. How’d she know that?”

All the quiet conversations that had been going on amongst the people sitting on the floor came abruptly to an end. Everyone was listening intently to the conversation between Darren and Affiz.

“And then, like, every bottle collector in the city seemed to appear.” It was Eldon, another of the guys from the alley. “They were all telling us we had to come and see you. Love had returned to the earth. Go and see the baby. Peace on earth!”

All the youths that had just arrived were nodding and yelling out details and their reactions.

Just then, the lights all flickered a few times and finally gave up. Dave, the Inn coordinator, and his team started lighting candles they had gathered just in case this very thing occurred. He expected some sort of power outage.

As the room began to glow, they heard the piano start to play “Silent Night” across the hall.

Throughout the night, Humaira sat in the chair, slept and dozed, and fed her beautiful little child. Affiz slept on the floor near her. His friends from the alley took turns ensuring that they had privacy and were not bothered. They also helped the team members with cleaning, take down, and breakfast preparations as the regular team could not make it to the church and they felt obliged to help out.

At 6:30 AM, the ambulance arrived for Humaira, her child, and Affiz. They went along only to ensure that both Humaira and the child were fine. They did not feel the need to stay at the hospital. They were going to Elspeth’s, Humaira’s cousin, house that evening and Affiz was sure that her cousin would insist on them staying with them. For once, he would not refuse. He knew that they all needed the stability that this part of her family would provide if only for a few days.

To their surprise, Elspeth had gathered all those relatives with whom Humaira had mentioned that she would like to stay in contact. This was originally going to be a surprise baby shower. However, it became a celebration of their child’s birth. As was accustomed in their culture, gifts of money were presented to the child, as well as those articles that every newborn would need.

The big surprise came about half-way through the celebrations when Shainur, Elspeth’s husband, took Affiz out to see his new garage. Shainur had contracted a garage to be built behind his house. Affiz could not understand why Shainur needed such a huge garage. When Shainur went to the door, he realized it didn’t go into the garage at all. It went upstairs. As they climbed the stairs, Shainur was going on about how they expected a regular rent for the place, but they would not need any damage deposit or future month’s rent. They only asked that they commit to stay in the apartment until they decided they could afford their own home.

Affiz began to realize that he was talking to him as if he and Humaira were the tenants in question. As the two entered a completely furnished, two-bedroom apartment, Shainur turned to Affiz grinning. “That is, if it meets your needs and your ever-growing standards!”

Through tearing eyes, Affiz embraced Shainur, thanked him deeply for his generosity, and told him that he really wanted to go get Humaira and show her.

“As long as this place is going to be OK.” Shainur repeated inquiringly.

“Are you kidding? It’s a place fit for a king!” Affiz bounded down the stairs and into the house to get Humaira.

The story doesn’t really end here. It goes on. It has been happening since the beginning of time and will likely continue into the future.

Now, it is up to us. Go forth, from here, in peace; knowing that God loves us, is with us, and is within us. We have seen, again, how the realm of God CAN be.

Which way will we choose?

May the light of the Star that yearly draws us to Bethlehem,
guide you to the way, the truth, and the life of the one born
this night.

Privilege

2007-12-04T13:38:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how one's context can really change the way one views the world. I have always thought that I was somewhat aware of the world around me and the privilege as well as the suffering that exists. However, in my new position, here at the church, I am so much more aware of the privilege I experience and the suffering that is ever present.

My morning was spent trying to organize stuff for the up-coming move into our new condo. We moved out of our house at the end of August. We have been living at our "weekend" place in Dead Man's Flats since then. It is a small condo with two bedrooms and has been our refuge for the last several years. It is 100 km from there to work and we have been doing the trip most days since the end of August. We occasionally stay in the city with a friend who is renting a place while her house is being built. For the past week, we have stayed at her house taking care of her dogs while she was away. It has been frigidly cold for the past week and the roads have been in rough shape outside the city. So, it has been a relief to be able to stay in the city and not make the 200km trip each day.

How many people don't have a place to stay? How many people have to worry about staying warm enough to make it through to the next morning? How many have no choice as to whether they will have a long commute or not? How many have no options? It amazes me that these numbers are large.

As I was driving around the city trying to get things organized, realize that I have a vehicle to drive. Not only that, I have a choice of vehicle. I don't have to try to ride the bus to the airport to pickup a delivery that was not made to the correct address. I don't have to rely on the generosity of others. I do not have to argue with shipping companies about deliveries because I have no option to drive to collect my package.

These are local issues. As I was driving, I listened to some commentary on Darfur. The murder and execution of individuals in Darfur has been going on for many years. Likely, the governments of developed countries could assist in resolving the issues if there was the political and social will. However, Darfur doesn't seem to have anything we want to plunder in order for us to have such a will.

I complain because I want the renovations to be done more quickly. I want to move in and get organized before Christmas. There are people in Darfur, in Canada, in Calgary, and in my neighbourhood who complain because they don't know whether they will live from now until the 25th of December.

What's that about?

Tree Decorating

2007-12-03T09:03:00.001-07:00

I thought I'd share a few photos of the tree decorating last Friday. We do two different trees each year. It becomes quite a fun social event.

I am told this was one of the more "calm" tree decoratings. I can tell I'm getting old. I have a hard time finding anything "calm," about it. It was fun, but hardly "calm."
I

Sanctuary@Knox

2007-12-03T08:20:00.000-07:00

I continue to be excited about the possibilities that are created with this new project. We are aiming our efforts at a group that is not served by any other agency. Though some of the participants may have been involved in other programs, or continue to be involved in other programs, we will be offering the unique one-on-one support for their continued learning. We want to provide opportunities for those individuals between the ages of 16 and 25 to improve their learning skills and pursue any learning they want to pursue with the support of experienced teachers and learners. Where participants have been involved with other programs, we will liaise with them to gather any information they have on learning styles, learning difficulties, strengths, abilities, etc. If they have had various learning assessments, we can use that information to further support our work with them. Where they haven't, we will either do our own informal assessments, or use standardized assessment tools to discover what we need to know to best support the learning.

The pilot will have our learning centre open for three days a week, from 8:30 AM to 4:30 PM. It will have a minimum of one volunteer present for all those hours. The volunteer assists participants in learning whatever they want to learn. In some cases, it will mean only that the participant will have someone there if they have questions or to rely on for support. In other cases, we will help individuals to clarify what they want to learn and work with them to establish a plan for learning.

We will have access to various assistive technologies:

speech-to-text software
text to speech software
on-screen dictionaries
rebus composition software
up to date Office Suite
graphic organizers
presentation software
internet access

and others.

The research behind this project comes from my own doctoral studies exploring how various technologies support literacy development in 1st and 2nd languages. We discovered that technology has developed to a point where it can be used as a tool for those who have difficulties with one particular style of learning to easily access other forms of expression. For the non-reader, this means that they can access information, process it, learn from it, and use it to share with others from their own particular point of view. Traditionally, schools have operated out of necessity using mainly print-based information sources. Assistive technologies allow the non-reader to access information from print-based sources. However, we also honour individual strengths in other media and encourage individuals to get information from whatever sources they find and to use it. They can also use various media as an expressive or sharing format. I can provide anyone with many more details and more information if one wants it. I know that this is my passion, so I tend to go off the deep end.

We plan to set up our own network so that there is no potential hazard to the church's network and server. We will have our own server as well.

Unfortunately, there are costs to the upgrades. We need approximately $6,000.00 to upgrade the memory of the computers, establish the network, and buy the software.

If anyone reading this wishes to make a contribution to the Snactuary@Knox project, they can do so by sending a cheque payable to "Knox United Church" to:

Sanctuary@Knox
506 Fourth Street S. W.
Calgary, Alberta
T2P 1S7

If you mark "Sanctuary@Knox" on the memo part of the cheque, it will go into the designated fund and receive a charitable donation tax receipt.

Advent Begins

2007-11-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

Even though we have yet to arrive to December, Advent has begun with a flourish! I wish that all flourishes were lovely, but some are not.

The trees go up in the sanctuary today. They get decorated tomorrow evening. Most of the bulletins for December are already printed - they would all be printed if it weren't for me - I seem to be a hurdle. The sanctuary itself has been decorated with wreaths and poinsettias. Advent candle wreath has been unearthed and set up - minus the Christ candle, but someone has taken responsibility to find it and/or get a new one. And I am finding out that there are fewer differences between working in a school and working in a church than I first imagined. Nerves get just as fraught in a church as they do in a school - even without report cards.

As well, the literacy project was approved at the board meeting last week. I am trying to raise $6,000.00 for the software and hardware upgrades; find a source for lunches; get pamphlets designed, printed, and distributed; and generally get organized to be open for the beginning of January.

We do have a name. "Sanctuary@Knox" is what we're calling it. I am hoping that it appeals to those who will eventually come. I'm trying to emphasize the safe aspect of the program as well as acknowledging that we are a church. It also hints that we are a technology rich learning environment. I am pumped, but I am also finding that the details can get a bit cumbersome. All part of the work. The good part of that is the support from the board and many individual members of this community. I helps me get through the maze of technicalities as well as over the hurdles.

There is also a feeling of wonder that this is happening at the same time as we begin a liturgical year. I think I am going to find increasingly that there is meaning in that.

Labyrinth Walks

2007-11-22T08:18:00.001-07:00

Last Friday, a group of kids came from another church here in Calgary to find out about the Labyrinth. Coincidentally, a student from a local college was visiting that afternoon and was seeking more information about the Labyrinth. She asked if she could joins us for the evening walk. She brought along three friends.

Most of the time, when I have walked the Labyrinth, the group has been small. This time, the group was fairly big. As well, I have never been the "leader" when I have done this before. Most of the time, actually, I have walked the labyrinth by myself. I usually am using this walk as a way to calm myself and try to focus inward to find the answers to whatever dilemma I face at the time.

It was really interesting to do this Friday evening. I don't know for sure what kind of experience I expected, but it certainly was not what actually occurred. Perhaps, I was skeptical of whether these kids would find the spirituality in the walk. They certainly did. As well, I was uncertain about the college students and their skepticism. There was none. They were obviously finding this a completely different, but significant experience.

Afterwards, I took them into the sanctuary for debriefing. There was not a lot of discussion, but they were fascinated with the entire building. They felt the different energies of the two rooms (the sanctuary and the labyrinth room). They were fascinated with the organ, the size of the room, the age of the building.

I truly enjoyed the time with them and am now trying to figure out how I can bring our own youth to have a similar experience.

Inclusion

2007-11-16T10:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's study group centred on the idea that "God is here for everyone." We began by watching an advertising campaign that was initiated by the United Church of Christ (in the U. S.) a couple of years ago. Apparently, the major networks, other than ABC, would not run the ads. They thought they were too controversial. They seem somewhat tame to me.

The first one they produced was one entitled "Steeple." They showed it awhile and then did some research on its. It apparently did not do much for anyone other than those who were already church goers. They then produced one they refer to as "Bouncer." This one appealed to a small group outside of "church goers," but not significantly so. They finally produced the one they refer to as "ejector." This one apparently widened the reception and made an impact on most viewers. It is amazing to me that one has to be so blatant to get a message across. A lesson in communication. (You can see all three by clicking on the title of this posting.)

I have been struggling with trying to find music that will appeal to youths. I have written about this previously. When I find good music that has meaningful lyrics, I try to match it directly to the message of the sermon and the readings of the day. Unfortunately, there are some members who find the music "uncomfortable." They want to keep that warm glow - somewhat soporific in nature - until the end of the service. This music tends to interrupt that feeling. They want me to stop.

I plan on stopping for advent. However, I need to find a way to communicate how our services, as they run now, do NOT include children and youth. We have modified how we leave and introduced re-entry into the congregation at the end of the service.

What used to happen in the service was quite different. We would begin the service with call to order, hymns, and the readings. Then the minister would get up and do "Children's Time." Then the children would leave - never to return until the next week. I loved the stories. I loved that "Children's" time. For me, it was an intro to what the sermon would be like. The stories were cute, poignant, and often gave us an glimpse of the ministers' childhood and sense of humour. It appealed to ma as an adult. It wasn't doing much for the kids. It also bothered me that the kids never re-appeared. I felt we were giving them the message: "We can tolerate you for a little time, but that's about it. We don't have much of a place for you here, so go along and we'll see you next week."

I don't, for a moment, believe that the congregation meant to communicate this message. I just felt strongly that it was being communicated. So one of the first things I asked to modify was when we left.

We try to leave as soon as possible during the service. We usually leave during the first hymn. If there is a baptism, we leave after the baptism - the children need to be there. (The children help bless the new members, they are reminded of their own baptism and what that means, and they present candles to the parents and generally welcome the new members into the church community.) If there is a special presentation (as there was on Remembrance Day), we stay for the presentation and then leave. Once we are gathered in our place within the church (a room adjacent to the sanctuary), I summarize or paraphrase the readings for the day and lead a discussion about what it might mean to the kids. It is interesting to do, as my group ranges from age 4 - 16. Sometimes the discussion is heated, sometimes contradictory, sometimes amazingly spiritual, and always interesting. There has never been a day when the discussion went flat.

I usually ask the participants to think of a way to respond to the readings and the discussion. They each have a journal into which they can draw, write, colour, or whatever. I am surprised at how many of the older children choose to draw.

All the while, I am listening for the section of the service when we go back into the congregation. It is towards the end, after the "prayers of the people," and before the "community news." This is when I usually play the music selection for the week. We walk back into the sanctuary and we share what we (I use "we" to represent both myself and the children) have discussed. Sometimes this is a sharing of the drawings, a short skit, a dance, or me talking. The participants help me decide what form the sharing will be. We finish the community news occurs.

I hope that this symbolically represents to the rest of the congregation that we are also important members of the community. That we understand what is being discussed as well as they do - perhaps on a different level, but we understand. There are times when I think the children understand better than we adults do. For them it comes so quickly.

The music I play never runs over a complete minute. Most of the time it is 30 seconds of music. One time, I played the entire piece because it was more "folky" and there were no electric guitars or heavy metal sounds. All the same, there were complaints. Unfortunately, never to me directly. If they came directly, I could at least enter into discussion about the music. With the messages always being relayed, I never get the opportunity.

I guess the other aspect that bothers me about this is the idea of "comfort." If we truly mean that everyone is welcome, we are going to be welcoming people that might make us "uncomfortable." If I am successful in getting youths to come here to learn, I am hoping that they may also decide to check us out on Sundays and see if our services say anything to them. They will make people "uncomfortable." They will not come in pristine dresses and suits. They will not likely be neatly groomed and smelling of good cologne. They may have tattoos, piercings, leather garments, dirty faces, etc. How will they be received? I don't want to expose these individuals to further alienation. They get enough of it.

We have come to welcome all sexual orientations. We do not act in ageist ways that negate the value of the elder members of the community. We try increasingly more diligently to honour all sexes, socio-economic groups, all marital or coupling statuses, and all cultural groups. Will we be able to accept youth as they are?

Justice

2007-11-15T12:33:00.000-07:00

Big surprise, but I am involved in a Bible Study with a group of people from church. They are an amazing group. Many of them are older than I and only a couple are younger. What I find is that some of the broadest thinkers are the ones who are older. They destroy my stereotypes! (Darn it!)

Last week we centred our study on Justice as it is represented in the Bible and as it plays a role within the United Church of Canada. I had not realized that the United Church of Canada was actually formed out of this sense that churches must do more than be hearers of the Word, but doers of the Word. I had some vague assumption that it was formed as was the United Church of Christ, in the states - more as a means of joining together of like-minded; but also for convenience. That may be unfair to say that "convenience" had anything to do with it; but growing up in the church felt like convenience was a big part.

In Canada, the like-mindedness focussed on the Justice aspect of our faith. I feel proud to part of that. However, what do we do? Are our actions enough? Are they effective? Where do we focus?

I found last week overwhelming once I started filtering my world through the lens of Justice. There is so much in the world that is unjust. What can I do about it? Where do I begin. Is it adequate to act locally and do what I can within my realm, or do I need to be involved in global justice issues? What if my "solutions" are not the best? When I act locally, I am able to ensure that I stay open-ended - that I don't impose my solution or "fix" on a situation. An example of this would be my planned project for literacy and youth. I am committed to the idea that each participant come with their own goal and that I do not try to impose my value upon their goals. If an individual wants assistance in clarifying his/her goal(s), I am happy to support a process that will do so. However, it still is not my place to impose my learning goals upon them.

In our study session this morning, we looked briefly at the situation in Darfur. One person related how we, as a nation, are capable of providing a solution to what is occurring by offering to take in all those who are suffering and bring them to Canada. My first reaction was to question whether this was the right solution. What makes us think that anyone would want to leave their own land to come to ours? At the same time, the situation is so critical that people might go for anything that got them out of there. The discussion continued by acknowledgeing that we don't possess the collective will to bring everyone here at the great expense and that there would be a huge outcry at the costs while we would likely be able to finance it by simply leaving the GST at the present level or return it to the level it was a year ago.

I admire the thinking of this person to consider that the nation is capable of providing a solution. However, I think we are being over simplistic to think that this might be a desirable or best solution. Are we not simply providing a band aid solution? What are we going to do to provide education so that people can make a living here? What will we do to guarantee that housing is available? How will we assist that many people to become acclimated to our climate and society? I think it sounded so similar to what our government has done with Inuit and other aboriginal peoples in the past that has resulted in huge crises.

On the other hand, am I simply coming up with reasons for avoiding such a change to our social fabric? Bringing in a million individuals from any one culture would drastically change what is presently here. Am I trying to protect that against the concept of being just?

If expend energy on my local project, I have more immediate potential of redirecting strategies when they prove to be less than successful. I can do on-going assessment to ensure that the participants are learning needed skills. I can provide long-term support for the individuals who desire or need it.

I am confident that the individual in our group who suggested the solution presented has the very best of intentions. I don't for a moment believe that there is any other reason than to provide a potential solution to a heart-breaking world problem. I just wonder how we can ensure that we could redirect or modify the plan to promote success in an on-going nature once we moved close to a million people half-way around the world to a completely different society and climate. Or am I making excuses again?

So who am I to wonder?

A Post Script

2007-11-14T15:06:00.001-07:00

Wow, I hadn't realized how many pages were really missing. Now I "know" even less!

Knowing

2007-11-14T14:56:00.000-07:00

I find it interesting to ponder different expressions. The one that intrigues me today is the whole idea of "Knowing." What do we really mean when we say "I know?"

Why is this coming up? I think it has to do with me not being able to find this current blog. I wonder why I can't find it. Is it because what I wrote what might be seen as something too personal? Could it be a simple question of not closing out properly last time? I really have no way of "knowing."

I thought if I came here and tried a new post, and it worked, I might have more information about the page. However, what would I really "know?" Only that this entry was posted. Not truly anything relating to the last one.

If this doesn't post, does it mean that the blog has been suspended? Perhaps it is something wrong with the address I have been using? Maybe the server upon which my page resides is having trouble? Perhaps the other blogs I've visited are simply on a different server. How will posting this make any difference in my understanding or "knowing" the true explanation.

And how does this all relate to spiritual development? There is a part of me that suspects it is deeply related. Another part tells me this is all "crap" and that I am just rambling in order to get to the end so I can post. Am I becoming schizophrenic before your very eyes?

Who "knows?"

More water to wine

2007-11-12T13:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we racked the wine (transferred it from one carboy to another), got it off the sludge that is created during fermentation, added some stuff to help stop any further fermentation, and added more stuff that will help trap any "floaties" and will fall to the bottom and create another layer of sludge.

It's all rather symbolic, no? As we do things in our lives to further our spiritual growth, we become aware of the "sludge" in our lives. All the behaviours that make us less than who we might be. When we become aware of that "sludge," we have a choice to either eliminate it from our lives, or let it stay. Children are marvelous in this. They simply decide to eliminate it. As an adult, I find it more difficult. Do I really want to change who I am?

I used to complain that "born-again" Christians all seemed to come back as themselves, with very little change that I could see. They just quoted a lot of scripture, but seemed to lead the same debauched lives that they lead before being "born-again."

I see this process as an opportunity for me to be something different. As I identify the parts of my life that distance me from being the best I can be, I want to either modify those parts to allow my deeper spirituality or eliminate them. In doing so, my life as I have lived it previously must change. So what happens to my social network? What happens to my relationships with family and close friends? What happens to my primary relationship(s)? What happens to my goals? What happens to my previous plans for the future?

It is fascinating that some people see faith as a way to simplify their lives. They look to their religions for simple answers. I see that my faith journey is leading me through more complex questions and explorations. This seems like the opposite!

And, please let me be clear. I would have it no other way. I don't want my faith community to be easy. I want it to help me grow. I want it to be a place where the difficult questions can be examined. I want my faith community to be a place where I can live my beliefs.

Taoism

2007-11-09T11:34:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine, who is now dead, was a great source of expansion and nurture as far as my own spiritual development was concerned. He was the only person who seemed successful at getting me to understand Taoism and its gentle acceptance of the world and its rhythms.

Another friend sent me the story below. I received it today. I think it is a lovely story that illustrates this sense of understanding that life, God, the Universe, (or whatever various belief systems like to call it) gives us each gifts. Life is the first gift. What we come to understand as other gifts or challenges (or faults) are only values that we, as humans, put to our individual characteristics. Perhaps we need to see our "cracks" more as the gifts they truly are.

The Cracked Pot

An elderly woman had two large pots,
each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it
while the other was perfect
and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house,
the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For two years,
this went on daily,
with the woman bringing home
only one and a half pots of water.

Of course the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.

But the poor cracked pot
was ashamed of its own imperfection,
and was miserable that it could only do half
of what it had been made
to do.

After two years
of what it perceived to be bitter failure,
it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself
because this crack in my side causes
water to leak out all the way back
to
your house."

The old woman smiled,
"Did you notice that there are
flowers on your side of the path,
but not on the other pot's side?"

"That's because I have always known about your flaw
so I planted
flower seeds on your side of the path,
and every day while we walk back
you
water them."

"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful
to decorate the table.

Without you being just the way you are,
there would not be this beauty to
grace the house."

Each of us has our
own unique "flaw."
But it's the cracks and flaws we have
that make our
lives together
so very interesting and rewarding.

Take each person for whom they are. Find the good in them.

Getting ready for Advent

2007-11-08T08:10:00.000-07:00

I am used to planning ahead. After all, I have been a teacher for 34 years. Planning is crucial.

All the same, the more I know about children, teaching, real learning, and what makes learning passionate for those involved; the more I know that plans need to be flexible, fluid, and responsive to the needs of the group with whom one works.

So now I find myself in a church, working with children. There are truly interesting expectations regarding the work I do. One is Christmas Eve.

Years ago, when I was the chair of the "Worship Committee" (as it was then called), I was told that there was an expectation that the chair of the committee would work with one of the ministers to lead the early service. Now that I am Coordinator of Children & Youth, I am told that I am expected to work with one of the ministers to lead the early service. I sometimes wonder how much of this is linked to the position and how much is linked to the person.

At any rate, I am excited about the expectation, but I also know deep down that I need to keep this VERY fluid and flexible. Most of the children with whom I work have already told me that they won't be around for Christmas Eve. So planning to meet their needs is out the window. I need to plan for a big crowd of people who most likely don't come to this church very frequently. They will want to hear the traditional carols, but will also want to know that the church is staying current.

I think I'll write a story for the service. I hope that my counterpart will accept that.

Continuing Conversations

2007-11-05T08:25:00.000-07:00

At church yesterday, I was speaking with someone who used to come regularly to church and has chosen to go elsewhere for a fairly long period of time. This particularly interests me as she was a younger member of our congregation. She explained to me that, though she is very attached to the liberal theology of our church, she finds it frustrating that no one seems to talk about God or Jesus except when they are in the sanctuary. Very few conversations occur after the service or in passing that have much to do with spirituality, beliefs, faith, or whatever.

So, of course, I want to see what might be done. I mentioned about this blog and that I was trying to use it to explore spirituality and talk about faith. I know that it is not always the topic at hand, but I try to keep that in mind whenever I post. All the same, this is not a "real time" conversation. So.....

I wondered about a continuing session, after the service, to further explore the topic of the Sunday service. If the Sunday service topic doesn't seem to drive it, then whatever one wanted to bring up. I could have coffee, tea, juice, etc. in the room and the room is designed to be comfortable and relaxing. I might be a way to continue exploration and nurture the need that was expressed.

Is there anyone else who might be interested? If you don't want to comment here, try my email: youth@knoxunited.ab.ca or dmoulton@knoxunited.ab.ca to express your interest or to ask questions.

Painful lessons

2007-11-01T07:46:00.001-06:00

I've often said that some of the most important lessons I've ever learned haver been painful ones. Yesterday's lesson was one of them. I wonder when I will finally get it and that learning will come more gently.

I share information on this blog with a sense that no one reads it. It turns out that I am very wrong. Because someone doesn't comment, apparently doesn't mean that it hasn't been read. That is why I try to comment on anything I read on someone else's blog. I want them to know that I have visited, read, and thought about what they wrote.

I share openly forgetting, as well, to check out with others if it is alright to share what might have passed during conversations or situations in which we both participate. I have such a naive belief that when someone reads about these conversations, situations, or whatever, that they will see the same wonder that I do and learn similar lessons as I do. All the same, it is not up to me to share someone else's thoughts to the world at large without checking it out with them first.

So, For anyone who reads this or any of my ramblings on other blogs:
If I have offended you, hurt you, or betrayed a confidence, please accept my apologies and know that I will do everything I can in the future to ensure that I don't do it again. As well, I thank you for trusting me enough to share your pain, embarrassment or offense with me so that I can continue to learn. I am honoured that you can do that with me. I am humbled by your wisdom and care.

Continuous Learning

2007-10-31T15:42:00.000-06:00

Just in case anyone ever thinks that they might stop learning, I'd like to suggest that you're never too old to learn something. More later!

In case you need some comic relief after reading the following two entries

2007-10-30T09:00:00.000-06:00

Click on the title above and this will take you to a site where you can watch a short, but amusing video regarding some of our religious hang-ups.

Karla

2007-10-30T08:26:00.000-06:00

When I shared my experiences with Karla on Sunday, I had no idea that I would be meeting someone whose family is going through similar trauma the next day. Yesterday, Kandace came to the church. She was obviously in a state of agitation and worry. She told me that her daughter, Susan, had just been taken into foster care and that she was going into treatment at the end of this week. She was walking by the church and felt driven to come in. She wanted to know if I would pray with her. Who could refuse a request like that? I ask anyone who is reading this to pray for both Kandace & Susan over the next while. They are in pain and their pain will not be subsiding for awhile. They both need as much light, comfort, support and love as God can provide. Let’s share ours with them. In their honour, I share my story of Karla:

There are so many people for whom Karla will remain vividly etched in their memories. Some of my first recollections of her are images of mildly disruptive behaviours in the classroom and more seriously disruptive behaviours in the lunchroom. Karla had been diagnosed ADHD in grade one, and I first met her in grade two. When Karla took her medication, she was pretty attentive and focused in class. By lunchtime, she would forget to take the noontime dose and would disrupt the lunchroom. This would remind US to give her the meds and the afternoon would go fairly well.

At the end of her second grade year, Karla transferred to another school. At the time, I had a conversation with her mother explaining that change was never an easy thing for ADHD kids. I stressed that Karla had pretty well stabilized and set some routines that were helping her, and that her mother would need to ensure that the same routines were established at the new school. Though I had spent more than average time with Karla and her parents, I had pretty well removed her from my consciousness by the beginning of October the next school year.

At the end of November, I received a phone call from a colleague who was the principal at Karla’s new school. She was calling as she had read the file, seen that Karla had experienced some success at our school, and wanted some advice. She then described a child with whom I had obviously never had any contact. The child she described crawled on the floor making animal sounds. This child threw things at her teacher, ran from authorities, swore in front of her classmates, destroyed anything she could get her hands on, and disrupted not only her classroom but the entire school.

Through a process that began that day, we discovered that both of Karla’s parents had developed serious drug issues. Not only were they using drugs purchased illegally on the street, they were using Karla’s ADHD medication, drinking excessively, and were mostly unconscious during Karla’s waking hours. At grade three, Karla was getting up by herself, preparing her own breakfast and lunch, preparing for school, showing up on-time EVERY DAY, and doing her homework every night. She was obviously absorbing what occurred during the classroom while she was there (in spite of her disruptive behaviour) – the only indication of this being the completed homework – mostly correct.

The process resulted in Karla’s father moving out and getting control of his substance abuse. Karla’s mother began a string of unsuccessful rehabilitative processes that took her away from home for weeks at a time. Karla wound up back with us, living with her grandmother, with grandma having legal custody of Karla and her well-being.

During this process, personnel from the two schools met with Karla, her family, and support personnel from the school board and social services. During these meetings, at which Karla never exhibited the behaviours that my colleague described, she apologized to people at her new school for her disruptions and helped plan for her re-entry to our school.

Upon her return, I wish I could say she stabilized and returned to her former behaviour pattern. However, that would be far from the truth. We were, however, able to re-establish our relationship with her and discover the depth of trauma that had occurred in the short time that she was away from us. We were able to connect her to many of the necessary support services she needed to start healing. She tested our relationships constantly and we were relentless in our consistency with her.

One particular example of this consistency regarded promises. I had told her early on in this journey that I would keep any promises I made to her. (Promises were often broken during her parents’ darkest period.) I told her that some promises were the kind she would be happy that I kept and that others would be ones that she would likely wish I broke. We had made an agreement that if she could keep adequate control of her behaviour for a fairly long period of time, remaining in class without disrupting her class, she would be welcome to participate in a special outdoor school program to which we had been invited. I also said that once she had done so, she would be going to the “camp” regardless of any behaviour that ensued after that period of time. However, if she was disruptive or made it impossible for others to learn in class, she would be removed from class and would have to go home for the rest of that day.

Karla was able to control her behaviour for three weeks in a row – the required time for the agreement. In fact, as I wanted to give her some wiggle room, we began this agreement six weeks prior to going to “camp.” She had fulfilled the agreement during the first three weeks. The first day after having fulfilled her obligation, she disrupted the class within the first hour of the day. I called her to the office to explain that one of her grandparents was on the way to pick her up and that she would be going home for the rest of the day. She began a temper tantrum that was amazingly energetic, foul, ear-piercing, and full of crocodile tears. She called me a liar and cursed me for breaking my promises. After she calmed down, I asked her which promises I had broken. She told me that I had promised her that she could go to camp and I was sending her home. I calmly reminded her that I had said nothing about camp in that day's incident. I affirmed that she had fulfilled her agreement about camp and that she was, indeed, going. I also reminded her that I had told her that if she disrupted class, she would be going home. These were separate agreements and one did not have any connection to the other. The only way she would jeopardize the camp agreement would be if she disrupted class on the day of departure and need to be sent home. However, as we were leaving before the beginning of classes that day, I doubted she would be able to sabotage that agreement. By the time that her grandparent had arrived, Karla was calm, went willingly, telling about how this was not going to affect her camp experience. “I fulfilled my agreement. I get to go!” During the following three weeks, Karla disrupted her class two more times, each time going home willingly.

Her mother continues to struggle with her own demons and Karla remains with her grandmother. On her last day of grade 6, she told her teachers and the school personnel that worked with her that she would miss us as we were like family members to her. She gave me a hug that day that I thought would never end.

Damien

2007-10-29T11:40:00.000-06:00

So I promised the stories. What I can do here is include some of the details that were eliminated to ensure that we remained in the time frame given me for the service. Some of the details are changed so that the identity of the child is protected.

Damien was soon to be six when I first met him. I met him when his teacher called down to the office to ask me to come to her room because one of her children “was going wild,” standing in the middle of a round table, and kicking at anyone who came near to him. By the time I had arrived, the teacher had all the other children sitting quietly on the floor around her and she was reading a story to them. Damien, having no one near him, was no longer threatening anyone. He looked like he was in pain. While the teacher quietly read the story to the rest of the class, I slowly approached Damien and asked him if he was OK. He responded that he was and I asked him to come down from the table as I didn’t think it was a safe place for him. He told me that he was afraid that he would tip the table over and fall, so I told him that I would help him and catch him if he did fall. As he approached the edge of the table, it did begin to tip, he lost his balance and I caught him. I could feel his body stiffen at my touch so I immediately put him on the floor as safely and gently as I could. By now, the class was watching us, so I knelt down and whispered to him that I would like to talk with him outside the classroom and asked if there was anyone from the class that he wanted to accompany us. He told me that he didn’t have any friends and that it would be OK to come alone.

We went outside the classroom and sat on the floor. I asked him about getting on the table, about being angry, and about what had happened before his teacher gathered everyone on the carpet to read to them. He told me that he was using a coloured pencil when someone told him to give it to them. As he wasn’t finished, he said no. This person grabbed it from him, so Damien hit him. Then the other children started calling the teacher, telling her that Damien was hitting others. He was frightened that he was going to get in trouble so he got on the table and told everyone to get away or he’d kick them.

In this first of many conversations with Damien, I asked him why that situation was probably not a safe one. He could tell me right away that people could get hurt and that it wasn’t safe. He also told me how scared he was, how alone he felt, how unloved and uncared for he thought he was. He thought no one was going to listen to him and that he would be in trouble.

As Damien, his mother, the rest of his family, and I got to know each other better over the ensuing weeks; I discovered that he had been brutally sexually abused by his biological dad. He had also been physically abused by his much older brother. His mother worked 12 – 15 hours a day cleaning homes. If his grandmother was not able to take care of him before and after school, he was left in the care of the older brother who had previously beaten him. Mother had given up on accessing any support for fear that her children would be taken away from her.

All the same, Damien came to school every day well-groomed, well-fed, happy at the beginning of the day, excited about the potential that the school day held for him. Most days this lasted for a short period of time before I was called to come and support him while we tried to extricate him from some violent situation. Immediately after these situations, we would sit on the floor in the hallway outside of his classroom and talk. He would explain how he felt during the conflict and we began processing these conflicts with the other students involved. Through this, he began making friends and building relationships with others. Both he and those involved in the conflicts were willing to learn from what had happened and to forgive what had been seen as transgressions. As time went on, we would end our talks with a hug – no stiffening or tightness, but hugs into which Damien would melt. Sometimes he would cry, sometimes he would thank me.

During one of my last conversations with him, Damien talked about his father. He knew that I was aware of what had happened to him and what his father had done. After telling me that he knew I was aware of what his father had done, he told me that he still missed his father and that he still loved him “even though he was bad to me.” Then he asked me a question that I’ll never forget. He asked me “Is it OK that I miss him and that I still love him?”

So what does this have to do with spirit? What does it have to do with church? One of the readings we had yesterdays was from Mark 10. Verses 13 - 16.

People were bringing little children to him in order that he might touch them; and the disciples spoke sternly to them. But when Jesus saw this, he was indignant and said to them,

‘Let the little children come to me; do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs. Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it.’

And he took them up in his arms, laid his hands on them, and blessed them.

Damien has such a huge capacity for forgiveness. Though so many of the people surrounding him had, in some way, betrayed him and his safety; he continued to love them. He continued to care about them. He was willing to trust others and to share his self with them. I find this amazing and a testament to the beautiful spirit within him.

Preaching? Not so much. Sharing Stories - More like it!

2007-10-26T10:08:00.000-06:00

So, I have taken time to contemplate and realize that for me to preach is like me trying to be something I'm not. Now, my family members may disagree with me on this point, but I have to look more carefully at what I do well and who I am.

My goal of trying to demonstrate what we can learn from kids or their importance in a community is no different, but I can do this by sharing anecdotes from my experience. In telling anecdotes, I can share the passion that I feel about kids more genuinely. If I do otherwise I will spend my energy worrying about whether I am preaching well or keeping the attention of those who are listening.

I will also share some of these stories on this blog as we go along. Perhaps readers could provide feedback for me as to whether the anecdotes do their job.

Preaching

2007-10-23T12:28:00.000-06:00

So what is preaching? The word has always had a slightly negative connotation to me. Yet I find myself in the situation where I am going to do some - as early as this Sunday. You might guess that I want to make this a positive experience - for those who listen, hear, or are present as well as for myself.

The topic for my foray into preaching will be "children in a faith community." The selections I chose for this week to support what I hope to say come from various sources. The first is from the Gospel of Mark. The second comes from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. The final, and very short one, is from Teilhard de Chardin. So I guess I go from traditional, to new age, to a former Catholic priest and philosopher. Who knew?

My point in what I want to say regards the importance children play in the community of a church or faith group. They are not simply there because their parents want to be part of the church. They are there to teach us, to model for us, to help us clarify who we are, and to integrate with us. They certainly are here to learn as well, but they give much more than they take.

I think that's what has been missing from our work in the past. We have seemed to tolerate kids, but they really haven't had much of an opportunity to share with us.

I need to contemplate this some more. Later....

Born again....why?

2007-10-22T14:34:00.000-06:00

I was asked by someone at church to try to make the type bigger or change the background of this page. Apparently, the light type on black is difficult to read. Anyone else find this so? Is this any better?

Yesterday's scripture reading was about Nicodemus and his evening visit to Jesus where Nicodemus was told "no one can see the kingdom of God without being born from above."

We talked about Nicodemus' predicament and how he was basically being told that he would have to shed some of the ideas he had taken on if he wanted to freely experience God and the life that is thought of as the realm of God. There was his role on the council, his role as preserver of the faith and all its rules and restrictions, his role as member of the group who eventually condemned Christ to die.

As we then tried to make this somehow relevant for the kids that were there, it became really obvious that these people really didn't have much to change in their lives. Granted they find there are lots of pressures they face when it comes to being the best they can be, but mostly, they don't have a lot of bad habits. They don't have a lot of preconceived notions about people. They aren't involved in many negative behaviours - even though they certainly observe many and experience peer pressure to engage in some.

So the question might be: Why do they need to be "born from above" or as we have enjoyed expressing it in the latter part of the last century "Born Again?" Maybe the "born again" concept applies more relevantly to people my age or older.

I talked about my experiences in public education and how I worked hard to find acceptable ways to talk about spiritual matters with students. That I had to be very sensitive not to promote one religious experience over another. However, in my new position I have freedom to talk freely about religious beliefs. I shared with them that shedding some of the preconceived notions I had about ministry has been very liberating. That trying to avoid developing such strong opinions may keep them free to continue to grow. I am finding that at present.

At the same time, I don't want to promote the idea that one should ride the fence one's whole life. The middle of the road may be a comfortable place, but I rarely find it a place I want to stay for too long. Sticking one's stick in the sand is a good thing to do once in awhile. (Have I used enough cliches and hackneyed metaphors for one blog?)

In the end, we decided that continuing on our road to wine, that we would continue to do the things that help us be the best we can be. For many of the kids, this meant practicing their talents and making them stronger. As well, sharing their talents with others would help them be stronger in these talents. I really enjoyed listening to them and hearing them express what they could do.

Sanctuary

2007-10-19T15:56:00.000-06:00

The committee that acts as an advisory group met last night. It was a time to get some feedback, look at what I'm doing and a time for them to look at and consider my literacy project.

This committee is comprised of the people who were on the search team that hired me for this position as well as the head of the committee in charge of staffing and hiring. They volunteer and we meet once a month. They are extremely dedicated to having the church succeed in meeting the needs of our church and the community it serves. They are also people with whom I have been acquainted for many years, with some of whom I have worked on behalf of the church and with some of whom I have sung in the choir.

I presented my proposal to them because, if they do not support the concept, I truly should question my involvement. They were extremely supportive and asked all the questions that need to be asked if this will ever get off the ground. In essence, it was their questions and the needs they identified that are the real support that this group gives. They helped identify the issues that will keep the project from being a success.

How wonderful it is to work in an environment like this! They look after the well-being, not only of the children and youth we serve, but of the personnel as well. I really feel blessed to be in this environment. I feel that I have been given an opportunity to continue "changing the world."

More as I continue working out the details of this new mission!

God?

2007-10-18T08:34:00.000-06:00

I had the pleasure of having lunch with a close friend yesterday. We talked about God. She told me that what bothered her most were people who abdicate their responsibility and accountability in the name of God. She explained that when some of her friends accomplish something, they don't take credit but give it all to God - as a third party not truly integrated with them. When something fails, they also blame God. When they are less that who they can be, they blame God for not supporting them. When they are at their best, they credit God for leading them along the right path.

She also told me that when she is faced with a deep dilemma, she looks inside for guidance and answers. When she does so, she pictures her support network and thinks about the lessons they tried to give and the values they have transferred to her. She sees support from them as well as those who love her (her parents, her sister, cousins, special friends, etc.). She is happy to share the credit and blame with them, but she also says that she is ultimately responsible for the choices she makes and the decisions at which she arrives. She also talked about a scene from the last Harry Potter book where Harry calls upon his family, most of whom are dead, by using some special magic thing he has found. He calls upon them for help and guidance, for support and strength, for the loving energy he needs to accomplish a goal he has set for himself. She said that this was similar to how she looks inside herself to find answers.

I am so glad I listened more fully yesterday and was able to hear her. I shared that I still don't see what she related as being far from my understanding of God. Perhaps she limits this picture to her family and special friends, but I think of a wider sense of support. I think the first time someone shared the meaning of "Namaste" with me, it really clarified my developing understanding of God. The idea that "the divinity in me greets the divinity in you" helped me see God as an integral part of me that is there whether I recognize/acknowledge it or not. God is that divine energy in me that allows me, encourages me, sometimes even drives me to be the best I can be. God is the commonality among all those people my daughter pictures when she looks inside. It is when we are at our best that we provide the strength and guidance that she needs. It is God that helped us do that - not as a way for me to abdicate credit for this, but as a way to acknowledge that I am not alone in all of this. I love it and am proud of myself whenever I am able to accomplish my best. Thanking God is not a minimizing of this, but a celebration.

We also talked about how God and religion are not the same thing. Though religion is supposed to help us reconnect with the divinity that is part of us, it often falls short of that goal. When my friend told me about various incidents that distanced her continually from believing in God, she really related incidents of where religion failed to reconnect but actually increased the distance between her and a relationship with the divinity that is her. Most of these incidents were very hurtful - either to her or to someone for whom she cares deeply. She saw some of these as situations that COULD have been affirming and strengthening for friends, but wound up being situations where her friends became more dependent (or co-dependent) and less assertive.

How do we get the message out that God is not some third party judge that sits on a big marble throne in Washington DC and watches us and plays little games with us? I acknowledge that I once saw God this way. However, that was a long time ago. I would think it is time for us to grow up - even as children - to realize that this image of God might well have served a society that needed an external locus of control to get it to be accountable for everyone.

I want our society to grow up. I want us to realize that we have it within us to love and care for the entire creation and that we have the power to heal the earth, people, and all the rest of nature. For me, it is God that makes this all possible. Am I clear for anyone who reads this or is it still all completely fuzzy?

Post Election Blues

2007-10-16T08:34:00.001-06:00

The day after the election and we discover that a little more than a third of the potential voters bothered to show up and vote. So much for my "responsibility" angle.

It is no wonder that modern depictions of Christ show him as someone who battled with disappointment and rejection. (I'm thinking particularly of Jesus Christ Superstar) If, as is my effort in this "Water to Wine" project, I actually get to where I feel like we have some sure fire strategies for feeling truly filled with the spirit, will I get as frustrated with people even try to do so? If we find ways that really nurture who we are as spiritual beings, share these with others, and they won't even try, will I feel rejected? Will the kids feel that way as well? Am I setting them up for feeling powerless? I sure hope not.

I guess that's where the "faith" angle comes in. Faith is what keeps us going in the face of adversity, rejection, disappointment, and powerless feelings. Perhaps that is my problem...my faith is weak.

I think that is what I felt when one of the kids, this past Sunday, talked about knowing that she wanted to be the best she can be, but that it was hard to be her best in the face of all the influences surrounding her. There's the peer pressure to conform. There are the images of beauty that are presented in various media. There are the acceptable behaviours being advocated in popular dramas and comedies. None of them truly advocate honesty, caring, generosity, non-violence, or nurture. None of them advocate acceptance of ourselves as we are. None seem to say, "Be you!" When honesty is advocated, it seems that it is the cruel honesty that identifies weakness in others rather than the gifts that shine through them. This cold, hard, honesty seems to be used to get others to conform to an image that may be foreign to the person who is getting the "honesty." It reminds me of the song "You gotta be..."

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together

Ok, so it ends with "Love will save the day." All the same, why do we have to be hard, tough, stronger, cool, etc. in order to have love "save the day?" It seems like an oxymoron. Whilst being tough, hard, bold, cool, and stronger; am I also not building walls so thick that love can't possible enter to "save the day?"

I get a different message from my experiences. It is when I make myself vulnerable, when I open myself up to the ambiguous, when I try to see the infinite possibilities and uncertainty that I find truth, love, connection, and peace. Now there's an oxymoron: peaceful uncertainty.

Today must be one of those tired days. My faith is not strong. I'm not feeling very "bad."

Happy National Grouch Day!

2007-10-15T11:30:00.000-06:00

Can you believe that they have a day for grouches? Apparently, today is the day. Though I am really tired, I do not feel grouchy today.

I'm actually feeling the opposite. I voted on my way in to work today-I had to stop and see a friend in order to wait until 10:00 AM when the polls opened. It was wonderful to be able to spend a little time with my friends, and I exercised my democratic responsibility as well.

Voting is such a privilege! I am amazed at how many people do not see that this privilege is also a responsibility. Often, when I was teaching in schools, students would tell me that their parents never voted. I didn't usually believe them. Then I started asking parents of my students. "Your son tells me that you never vote. I told him that he probably just didn't know when it was that you voted." Then they would actually confirm what their child had said.

"Oh, I never vote."
"My vote would never matter. My husband and I would just cancel each other out."
"All politicians are the same. One is just as bad as another."
"How would my vote ever matter?"
"Politicians are all a bunch of crooks anyway."

and other such incredible statements.

If we don't vote, then we should never complain about what governments do! Maybe that's why I always vote - I like to feel free to complain! I'm pretty sure that isn't the reason I vote. I vote because I want to influence what governments do. This year, I spent some time with one particular candidate to see what that person's thoughts and values were regarding issues that are important to me. That time helped me make a decision about my vote.

When the Bible tells us that God gave us dominion over the world that was created, I don't think that we are being told to dominate nature. I really believe that the Bible is promoting our responsibility to be active and accountable for what happens in our world. We need to try to influence every aspect of what occurs around us to try to make it as good as it can be. We have a responsibility to work together to try to make our part of the world as good as it can be. Some take this further and try to use their influence to make things better where there is obviously a need for something to change. I have a harder time doing that because I am never sure what that change should be. If I start in my own locale, I think I have a better chance of "getting it right."

Being the "best we can be" means that we to be engaged in the world. In becoming wine, I want to be aware of issues that are influenced by my voting. I want to act locally in order that I might influence the global nature of our world.

I just went back through my writing to find out where I explained this "Water to Wine" project that is on-going here at Knox. I can find lots about it, but no explanations. So.....

The Water to Wine Project of Huda Hakawi
On September 23rd, the readings and sermon regarded the Wedding Feast at Cana where the first of Jesus' "miracles" occurred. The wedding that was attended by Jesus, many of the disciples, and his mother Mary, was three days along. (I was amazed that weddings were that long. They apparently continued for over a week!) They ran out of wine. This was a big deal considering the wedding wasn't even half over.

So Mary (remember how your mother was always trying to get you to show off?) looks to her son and tells him that the wine is gone. His response? "So what? This is not MY problem!" Does Mary listen? Of course not. She just tells the servants to do whatever her son tells them to do.

In spite of his effort to try to ignore and not get involved, Jesus tells the servants to take some huge earthen pots over to the well and fill them with water. He then tells one of the servants to take a dipper-full of water over to the wine steward.

Does Jesus make any magic sign over the water? No.
Does he say any special magic words over the wine? No.
Does he even say a prayer, touch the wine, look at the dipper? Nope. Nothing at all.

However, by the time the dipper gets to the wine steward, it contains some of the best wine the steward has ever tasted.

Jesus just used what was lying around. He didn't use "special" jugs. No "Special Well." No magic dipper. Just water from the well. Filled large jugs that were already nearby.

What I have learned from my colleagues here at the church is that "water" is often an analogy (in the Bible) for people. Water signifies people who are going along in their day-to-day existence, not doing anything particularly spiritual or righteous or holy. "Wine" is also an metaphor for our existence when we are "filled with the spirit." (No wonder they call alcohol-based beverages "spirits".)

As the kids and I were discussing this, we were pretty amazed at the idea that water could become wine so rapidly. We wondered if we could go from water to wine is such a short period of time.

Rather than try to do anything in a rush, we decided that we would make some wine and use the time it takes us to make wine to change ourselves from the "water" metaphor to "wine." So we used a wine kit and began on the 30th of September. You can go back on this site of the blog to see what we've been doing to get to where we want to be by the end of the project.

The Power of Prayer

2007-10-11T08:26:00.000-06:00

This came to my email this morning. It is a neat story and a reminder of the power of prayer. I don't mean to say that we need to pray for "things" and know that they will come, but that when we pray for the benefit of others, we do a powerful thing.

Isaiah 65:24 "Before they call, I will answer."

This story was written by a doctor who worked in South Africa:

One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labor ward; but in spite of all we could do, she died leaving us with a tiny premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator (we had no electricity to run an incubator ).

We also had no special feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool that the baby would be wrapped in.

Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst (rubber perishes easily in tropical climates). "And it is our last hot water bottle!" she exclaimed. As in the West, it is no good crying over spilled milk so in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways.

"All right," I said, "put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts. Your job is to keep the baby warm."

The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle, and that the baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died.

During prayer time, one ten-year old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. "Please, God" she prayed, "send us a water bottle. It'll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will be de ad, so please send it this afternoon."

While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added, "And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she'll know You really love her?"

As often with children's prayers, I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say, "Amen". I just did not believe that God could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything, the Bible says so. But there are limits, aren't there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever received a parcel from home. Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator!

Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses' training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door.

By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there, on the veranda, was a large twenty-two pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children.

Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box. From the top, I lifted out brightly colored, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas - that would make a batch of buns for the weekend Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the.....could it really be? I grasped it and pulled it out - yes, a brand-new, rubber hot water bottle. I cried. I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, "If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly too!"

Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted!

Looking up at me, she asked: "Can I go over with you and give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Jesus really loves her?"

That parcel had been on the way for five whole months. Packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child - five months before, in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it "that afternoon."

"Before they call, I will answer" (Isaiah 65:24) This awesome prayer takes less than a minute. When you receive this, say the prayer, that's all you have to do. No strings attached. Just send it on to whomever you want - but do send it on. Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards.

Let's continue praying for one another:

Loving God, I ask you to bless my friends reading this right now. I am asking You to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy. Where there is self doubting, release a renewed confidence to work through them. Where there is spiritual stagnation, I ask You to renew them by revealing Your nearness, and by drawing them into greater intimacy with You. Where there is fear, reveal Your love, and release to them Your courage. Bless their finances, give them greater vision, and raise up leaders and friends to support and encourage them. Give each of them discernment to recognize the evil forces around them, and reveal to them the power they have in You to defeat it. I ask you to do these things in Jesus' name.

P.S. Passing this on to anyone you consider a friend will bless you both. Passing this on to one not considered a friend is something Christ would do.

"Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you're not willing to move your feet."

Service to others

2007-10-10T14:03:00.000-06:00

So what is it about being "in service to others" that nourishes spirit? When I was much younger, I never doubted that doing for others or volunteering to do something that was helpful to others was anything but enhancing to my well-being. Yet something happened over the years of young adulthood that seemed to change that. I really am not at all sure what it was that happened, but I do know that I reached a point where I began to resent anyone's requests of me.

I think it was being involved with a personal growth seminar that reminded me of the benefit to self that giving or doing with others truly is. We were challenged, in this course, to entertain the residents in an institution where many seniors were spending their last days. We didn't know that was the goal until the morning we showed up. We were told to dress as clowns. So a group of about twenty adults, dressed as clowns, spent all day at this seniors hospice engaged in whatever the group or individual wanted to do. I remember just listening to one woman's stories. Her stories were far more entertaining and interesting than anything I could have added to the conversation. I was spellbound as she told one story after another of her voyage across pioneer Canada. Stories about how she and her husband would clear the land, build a home, try to exist farming - it was amazing. I listened for probably over an hour. She then asked if I would sing her a song. One of the very few songs I can play on the guitar is "Four Strong Winds." So that was the song I sang. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she listened. It was as if she had never heard this song before and that it had been written for her. I was in awe. She thanked me at the end. I tried my best to let her know that I was the one who needed to thank her. She had shared so much of her story, of who she was, and had provided my an opportunity to perform the one song I was able to play.

That might be it. The opportunity to share with another is a gift. It was such a gift to listen to her. It seemed to be a gift for her to have someone to talk with or to (though I can't imagine why anyone would not be thrilled to listen to her for hours).

When I first started cooking for Inn From the Cold (when it began at Knox), people would ask me why I would want to commit one Sunday a month to cook for homeless people. I thought the privilege was absolutely the other way around. I felt so lucky that I would be able to cook for a large group of people. I love to cook. I have cooked since I was a young child. I cook for my family. I often get positive feedback, but I also get the "I don't like it, what is it?" when I try something new. I have never had anyone complain about what I have prepared for Inn From the Cold. They are a most appreciative group. So to be able to cook for a large group that I know is going to appreciate the food has always been a pleasure.

At one point, during my stint as an IFTC cook, a friend suggested that I was perpetuating poverty in Calgary because I was cooking for homeless people. It was a difficult concept for me to understand and I tried hard to do so. I think I tried hard, because I thought there must be something wrong with something that provided me with so much fun, pleasure, and feeling of worth. (I think this is a throwback to my New England puritanical up-bringing.) I kept pondering his suggestion, even trying to follow his arguments. In the end, I decided that it was not my act of cooking that perpetuated any poverty. Rather, it was the aspect that homeless people were getting needs filled without government intervention that bothered my friend. If the government didn't have to do anything, then society would come to depend on the good nature of people like myself. Well, I think that societies have always depended, to a certain degree, on people like myself becoming involved with service simply because we will never be able to convince the majority of people that no one should have to go hungry or be homeless. Anyway, my point today is not to argue for government intervention or more charity being performed by everyday citizens.

My real point is that it is a privilege to serve. In serving, I show my gratitude for the bounty I have been provided. In serving, I do more than talk about how the world might be a better place. By serving, I put myself out for someone else - oftentimes without necessarily knowing who that person is. That it feels good should not be a sin. It's like running. It is a healthy thing to do. It also produces endorphines and other chemicals that make you "high." Because it feels good, should we not do it? I wish I still could run like I once did without hurting my knees.

Maybe I shouldn't sing either? Sorry, that's not going to happen! Deriving joy from serving others does not detract from what one does. Nurturing one's spirit should not have to be unpleasant either.

Namaste!

Junior High School youth film night.

2007-10-10T13:46:00.000-06:00

Apparently, the Calgary Presbytery is sponsoring a film night for students in grades 6 - 9 on the 23rd of November. It is located at Woodcliffe United Church in Wildwood in the South West of the city. If there is anyone who would like to go to that, I would be happy to go along with you. I would even drive! (Now this is a big thing for me to volunteer to do as it is a Friday Night and I rarely do work related things on a Friday evening.)

The evening runs from 7 - 11 PM, so it is a bit late for some. Please let me know so that I can know whether we need to get other drivers. (Please ask your parents if they would be willing to drive or if they want to attend.)

Sorry that this is limited to those in grades 6, 7, 8, & 9, but there are other "get-togethers" where we will all be included and those when other age groups will be invited instead of this one.

I am not sure what the films are that will be shown. I will try to get that information as soon as I can and I will pass it along. If you want to see the film that the Youth Council put together to advertise this night, click on the title above.

A funny thing happened @ Starbucks

2007-10-04T08:52:00.000-06:00

So I stopped at Starbucks to feed my caffeine addiction yesterday and to generally relax and appreciate the movement of the day and our planet. As I was doing so, someone sitting nearby (a young woman of university age) asked if I would mind discussing something with her as she was preparing for a debate. I'm usually open to that sort of thing. She explained that she was debating the concept of marriage for a university class. She would be taking the standpoint that governments should stay out of the process of regulating marriage. She wanted to know why I had married, what I thought about the institution of marriage, what would I consider as "grounds for divorce," and anything else I wanted to comment. The conversation eventually led to same sex marriage. I explained that I worked at a church that supported the inclusion of everyone in our community - this inclusion also involved sacraments. We certainly did perform legal marriages for same sex couples and we previously had performed same sex covenanting ceremonies for those who wanted to marry spiritually prior to marriage becoming a legal possibility.

It turn out that her college is closely allied with the Alliance Church. She was interested in the idea of full membership of gay & lesbian people, would promote that her church welcomes everyone, but that she would not support the idea of same sex marriage. When I asked if this was a bit conflicting with "welcoming", she went into the "love the sinner, but not the sin" shtick. When I asked about the "sin" aspect, she quoted Paul rather than Leviticus. Apparently the absence of mention of same sex couples makes any joining of such a sin.

As we neared the end of our conversation together, I explained that I think the Bible is rich with symbolism, that it was written so long ago that I try to look deeply inside to understand how the writings can useful in today's world. I told her that I try to go back and compare and contrast my understanding of Christ's message to us with the writings in the Bible. I explained that I truly believe that our make up is part of the miracle that has been created in our existence and that if God truly had such a strong influence on this creation, I can't believe that being Gay or Lesbian could be a sin - nor the love making between adults - whether they be Gay, Lesbian, Straight, trans-gendered, trans-sexual, or whatever. It seemed that she quickly went into an "auto-pilot" kind of reaction that retreated to the "security" of the church, her family, or doctrine. There seemed to be a stop to her own thinking. It was too bad. Things had been interesting up to that point.

I wonder if I do that when I get to a point in discussion where I no longer am sure of myself. I truly hope not. I think it is really ok to try to form a new understanding of an idea. I want my beliefs to be able to withstand close examination. I am ok with the idea that someone may be able to help me understand something in a deeper way.

What think you?

Lifehouse's Life's Everything

2007-10-03T09:33:00.000-06:00

I was surfing some of the sites on Blogspot. The link that is attached to the title above will take you to an interesting video on YouTube. I found it very engaging and fascinating. You?

I think it is another example of the power of drama, music and the arts in general as spiritual growth media.

Here are the lyrics....

Everything lyrics

find me here, speak to me
i want to feel you, i need to hear you
you are the light, that is leading me
to the place where i find peace again
you are the strength that keeps me walking
you are the hope that keeps me trusting
you are the life to my soul you are my purpose
you are everything

and how can i stand here with you and not be moved by you
would you tell me how could it be any better than this
you calm the storms, you give me rest, you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart and you take my breath away
would you take me in
would you take me deeper now
'cause you're all i want you are all i need
you are everything
everything

Knox Youth Centre

2007-10-02T20:40:00.000-06:00

Though I haven't been commenting for the last couple of days about my "literacy project," I haven't stopped thinking about it. I have actually been trying to network with those I know and then contact those I don't know, but who are presently working in complimentary fields or projects. My excitement builds!

I spoke with the Executive director of the United Way today about the project. She is an amazing person with whom I have worked "complimentarily" when she was still involved in the Calgary Board of Education. She is still very active in public education, but in a very different context. She was not only excited about the project, but will put me in touch with the various agencies whose work I would be supporting through this action. I can become part of the conversations that result in service provision. I thank her so much for her support.

I also had lunch today with a good friend who works with the Calgary Board of Education. He works closely with the board of Trustees as well as the Chief Superintendent. He made some very useful and practical suggestions and still provided lots of encouragement. He's the one who suggested the name "Knox Youth Centre." It makes sense to me. He also knows my strengths as well as my challenges. He knows that someone has to get me out of the big picture and into the details or this will never happen. He helped me see which details needed most attention and how I still need to focus on my nemesis: quantitative research data. His wisdom is so appreciated.

So I am developing a proposal to present - on paper - to the stakeholders, the potential sponsors, my employers, and other interested parties. This step must not be forgotten. Otherwise the space will not be available.

So I am off to do the nitty gritty.

Singing feeds my soul

2007-10-02T10:28:00.000-06:00

I mentioned in an early post that music can be a spiritual experience. I am part of a small a capella singing group (The Undertones). We are learning some new music for the fall and then starting on Christmas music. The piece I am finding really feeds me is an arrangement of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. (Click on the title to see and hear a version from YouTube) It is written for a piano accompaniment, but the harmonies and the rest of the arrangement is beautiful without the piano. We have only worked on it for two weeks and I am really loving the experience - so much so that I want to add verses to it and arrange an extended version of the song.

As well, we are beginning the Christmas music. There is an arrangement of an old madrigal - Lullay My Liking - that has been renewed by the King Singers that we are struggling to learn. The arrangement is beautiful, but extremely difficult as it brings in lots of dissonance - not the typical thing for Christmas, but truly fitting for this song. I think, once I can master the part, that I will feel similarly about this song as I do for Hallelujah.

I'm not sure what it is about singing and the music that is so spiritual for me. In this journey from Water to Wine, I figure I should be contemplating in greater depth those activities that seem to "imbue" me more with my sense of who I am as a spiritual being. Perhaps it is the sense of music and what it does to me physically. There are the vibrations of my own voice, but also those of the others who are singing with me. There is that connection to others when we make music together - a sense that we are creating something together that can't be replicated by anyone else - at least not exactly. Our voices are unique and their combined sound is unique. When we take a piece of music and perform it together, we also do it slightly differently each time. This makes each time something special (sometimes in a "not so much" great way...).

Getting lost in a piece of music is also a deep thing for me. I don't mean lost as in "where the heck am I?", but lost in that I cease to be an individual singer, but part of a whole that is only created by the group singing. I feel like I have left my body and combined in some way with the others in a totally non-physical way. It certainly isn't an experience that happens regularly. However, it seems to be happening more often as the group becomes more familiar with each other and we build trust.

We auditioned a new member last evening and the discussion following the audition was new for us. The person auditioning had a great audition. However, we discussed the idea that she might have real difficulty blending with the other voices in the group. This would not be a problem if our goal is to get together and have some fun with the music. If our goal is to have that "getting lost in the music" kind of experience, then we have to reconsider. That experience only happens when the voices blend together as one. I recognize that voices can't literally blend together "as one" when we are singing different parts, but there is that quality of blending where we share the same "shape" of sound. One member was trying to explain this without my use of "getting lost" in the music. I could see that she was having difficulty being understood. I really thought about it on my way home and I think that the "getting lost" analogy is what works for me. There is something magical about that when it happens. I get the sense that we have a common goal, that we have an understanding of each other that goes deeper than what we actually know about each other. There really is a sense for me that it is not my human self that is part of this, but that I have returned to my spiritual self for that time and that the others have done the same. This is why, perhaps, that the trust is such a crucial aspect of the relationship within the group. It is likely why I felt pretty crappy about how the evening ended.

We went on to practice the Lullay piece and it was obvious that we hadn't worked it as much as we needed to. It hurt the trust that we had been building. It's interesting that trust issues become so interwoven with every relationship. It affects the quality of the music experience. I know that I was interrupted in my work on the piece and I needed to return to it. Something happened and it didn't happen. I add this because I want to be clear that I am not blaming "others." I am accepting that I was definitely a "trespasser." I hope that I can be very forgiving of my trespassers for the next two weeks. I want to be forgiven for this trespass! I find that I want to work harder on my music because we seem to be approaching this potentiality for getting lost in the music. I want to do everything I can to nurture this rather than detract from it. I wish I was a better piano player (I am "not so much" any kind of piano player!). I need to find a way to get some help in practicing pieces. I will find the way. It is important to me, so I will find a way.

On to the more mundane. Below is the must today! The specific gravity has changed considerably. We are now at 1.40 (from 1.80). The temperature has changed from just over 15 Celsius to 28 Celsius. The yeast is really gobbling up the sugars! Along with the heat, it is producing alcohol. I just love the process. The entire space now smells like fermentation as well. I wonder how the lunch group will feel about it when they meet in there today. It is a group of businessmen who meet once a week for prayer and fellowship. I hope they don't find the smell too objectionable.

As the must bubbles and churns, I guess my own thoughts have been running along beside it. I am glad!

I am open to comments from any readers. Even though this is targeted to youth, I would welcome some dialogue. Understanding is difficult to achieve in isolation (if not impossible).

Water to Wine - addendum

2007-10-01T13:58:00.000-06:00

As I read the posting, I realized that I did just what I would not want someone to do regarding this project - look at the wine-making as the central part of the project. It is only a symbolic part. The real journey is the one that we each take. The first post simply describes the process in which we engaged to make the "chemistry experiment." It is not the real essence.

If I want this to be in any way spiritual, I better take it seriously for myself.

As I consider the bubbling and churning must that is in the primary fermenter right now, I truly make a connection with myself and what I am looking at within my life. The literacy project is intended to stretch who I am and to see if I can challenge myself to work with the kids that will likely come through the door. No, a better way to say that is that I will challenge myself and that I CAN work with them. I WILL be successful in helping them learn whatever skill they put their minds to. My challenge will be to ensure that the goal is theirs alone - not some goal that I think would be worthy.

The scripture readings yesterday about Lazarus and the challenge to meet Lazarus wherever we find him is truly fitting. Even after death, the "wealthy man" in the story was still deciding what was right for Lazarus. He didn't get the message. It is not up to me to decide what is the right thing for these kids to learn. They have all kinds of experience with others setting their learning goals. That is likely why they are no longer in schools. If they are to be successful - and to OWN that success - they need to set the goals, work at them, and conquer whatever hurdles that are in their way. I offer to support them and guide, when requested.

The other thing that has me churning today is my attendance at the youth ministry institute at Naramata next week. The institute was initially a goal because they offered the sessions on "Godly Play" for the young at our church. As well, there was a session for the grade 5 - 7 age group. Both of these sessions have been cancelled. There certainly are other sessions that I could take, however, these were the two that drove me to make application to go. The costs of going are much higher than the money allowed for a part-time Staff Associate. The thought that the church would fork out that much money for me to go when the targeted sessions are no longer available is ludicrous. So I have decided, with some support from my colleague, not to go. Where the churning comes in is when I think about being in the Okanogan in the fall at, coincidentally, the same time as the wine festival. Wouldn't that have been a lovely time? Well, that is one dilemma that is easily solved. Another time, perhaps.

To be away at the same time as I am trying to establish a potentially new community literacy program also gives reason for question. The timing is NOT right.

I have been trying to set some goals for myself regarding prayer and being in touch with my spiritual self. I don't have a problem doing this or engaging in these behaviours. What is more difficult is talking about them. Particularly with a blog. Fortunately, I don't think very many people read this, so my privacy is not likely compromised. However, I am supposed to be an "intellect." People with their PhD's don't dabble with the spiritual, unless their graduate work is in divinity or ministry. I have no problem internally with my spiritual quest. I wonder why I still have trouble with doing so publicly.

When the second notice came that one of my central sessions at the institute was cancelled, I immediately prayed for some sense of guidance. I have been looking forward to this trip since it was first organized. However, I knew right away that I should change my plans along with the change in programming. I really am feeling that I am more in touch with that aspect of myself. I am also becoming so much more comfortable about my place along the journey. I know that I am not much further along than I was, perhaps twenty years ago. However, I do see that my growth has taken on a new direction and a new energy. When we learned that first prayer, last week, I felt that we were truly making a statement to the congregation that we see God as part of us - or at least I see God as part of me. It is strangely comforting as well as discomforting making that statement public. As I explore the lyrics of Switchfoot, I am further moved along this journey by their understanding or their apparent understanding. I had no resource like this when I was an adolescent. I find it exciting that the resource exists today.

I shall endeavor to remain in the real discussion as we proceed. I welcome your comments and questions!

Water to Wine

2007-10-01T07:59:00.001-06:00

We began our "Water to Wine" journey last week with a general discussion and planning. We started our journals and learned a prayer. The prayer is a paraphrase of one I learned several years ago while taking a spiritual development course called Miracles & Mountains. The original was:

Beloved Divinity within,
I let you infiltrate every cell of my being.
I think with your mind.
I love with your heart.
I surrender to the highest truth within.

For kids, this seemed a bit cerebral and not as, perhaps, meaningful. I tried something to make it more conducive to the essence of God within.

Loving God,
I know you are inside me.
Please become a part of everything I am.
I want to think with your mind.
I want to love with your heart.
Help me see the truth that I know is inside me.

This felt better. I am open to suggestions.

We continued our journey yesterday with the actual wine making process. Some of the kids had seen the process before. They wound up being a big help for those (particularly the very young) who were totally unfamiliar with what we were doing.

We began talking about the juice itself. We tasted it and determined that it tasted like very sweet and concentrated juice. Though some could get a sense of a wine taste, most of us found it didn't taste much like what we thought wine tastes like.

We put the juice in the primary fermenter (just a big plastic bin that had been sterilized). Then, we added water to raise the level to the 23 litre mark. Then began the Great Bentonite Shake. Bentonite is a mineral that is added to the fermentation process to help with both the fermentation as well as clearing the wine after fermentation. It is basically some dirt (though special) that is added to water to make what I like to call "mud." It is difficult to get it to disperse in the water. This is where we all got a chance to shake it until we got totally tired of doing so. We added what we were able to get dispersed and then I finished the process later, adding it to the must.

Once we had all that, we took a hydrometer reading (for density or specific gravity) and the temperature (to ensure that the yeast would live to start the fermentation) and then added the crushed grapes that came with the kit. They seemed to really get a kick out of this part as the mixture was really thick and gooey.

Then, we added the yeast. I think that the kids were expecting an instant reaction. They were disappointed. I tried to let them know that it would take some time and that today we would know if everything was ok by whether the juice started to bubble and foam.

After the service was over, I added the oak shavings, the rest of the bentonite, and set up a space heater in the room. I was just a bit worried that the room was too cold to allow the yeast to start its work.

This morning I took a photo. As you can see, the bubbling has begun! It looks rather unsavoury, but I am certain everything will continue as it should. As the week progresses, the yeast will continue to consume the sugars in the must and that process will produce heat as well as alcohol. As the hydrometer reading lowers, I will rack the must into a carboy for the next stages.

This project seemed to attract a bit more attention. We had a much larger group yesterday, though some of those attending mentioned that they could not be regular attendees because of other activities they pursue. I will see how that proceeds as we continue. I don't want to exclude anyone because of other commitments. At the same time, I am hoping that we can have some continuity so that we can deepen our process of growth. I assume that is what we are here for.

I was excited by the reaction of the older members of the congregation to the music I played for our part of the service. I used the Switchfoot song "Something More (Augustine's confession)." The story within scripture was the story of Lazarus and the rich man. The lyric seemed appropriate.

Augustine just woke up with a broken heart. All this time, He's never been awake before.
At thirty-one his whole world is a question mark. All this time, he's never been awake before.
Watching dreams that he once had feed the flame inside his head.
In a quiet desperation of the emptiness he says...

"There's got to be something more than what I'm living for. I'm crying out to You."

"There's got to be something more than what I'm living for. I'm crying out to You"

Augustine, all his fears keep falling out. All this time, he's never been awake before.
Finding now his old dreams aren't panning out. All this time, he's never been awake before.
But he's mad to be alive. And he's dying to be met. In a quiet desperation of the emptiness he says...

"There's got to be something more than what I'm living for. I'm crying out to You."

Something more….

"Hey, I give it all away
Nothing I was holding back remains
Hey, I give it all away
Looking for the grace of God today"

"There's got to be something more than what I'm living for. I'm crying out to You"

"There's got to be something more than what I’ve been before. I'm crying out to You"

Several people came to me after the service to tell me how much they enjoyed the music and that the lyric was "so beautiful!"

I love that the world and the universe continues to surprise me!

Getting Started

2007-09-27T11:18:00.000-06:00

This is really fascinating! I have been trying to get myself in contact with agencies or people who might be able to assist in beginning the project here at the church. Everyone I talk to at the church gets really excited by the idea. I think we'll easily have the necessary hardware to start. There seems to be no opposition to the idea of homeless youths coming to this facility. I haven't had anyone particularly try dissuade me. I can say that the worse reaction - which I do not think is anything but realistic - came in the form of advising me to consider, first, a pilot project with a few kids before expanding very far. This makes a lot of sense to me.

Where I have had difficulty is getting people to return my calls. When I get someone on the phone, I have no trouble getting them excited. However, it has been difficult to get people on the phone.

I will persevere! Anyone have any suggestions?

Literacy: What is it? Who gets it?

2007-09-25T22:20:00.000-06:00

I was listening to CBC Radio today - OK, I am really showing my total middle age and "un-with-it-ness. Sounds Like Canada was being broadcast from Saskatoon. Shelagh Rogers had been there for the Peter Gzowski Golf Tournament for Literacy. She interviewed two different people regarding literacy and played the speech given by the recipient of the award given by Read Saskatoon to someone who had made incredible progress in literacy development.

It reminded me that there is a mission there for us. Adult Literacy, Adolescent Literacy, literacy development - these are truly important endeavours and the radio was highlighting some of what is happening in Saskatoon.

It also hit me that we are sitting on a perfect centre, at Knox, for outreach to street youth, to those who are homeless, or to those who simply can't afford to go to school. I did my doctoral work on how literacy is enhanced by the use of technology. During our research, we learned that present technologies provide the possibilities for incredible transformations for some individuals. Unfortunately, most schools and institutions that are charged with developing literacy, view literacy only as reading and writing. Working under this narrow view has the unfortunate result of branding those who find it difficult to learn to read and write as less than acceptable (that is my euphemism for "stupid, dumb, learning-disabled, etc.). Definitely counter to what they are truly attempting to accomplish.

Paolo Frieire, an educator and revolutionary in South America, viewed literacy in much broader terms. He held that one must first be able to "read the world" before one was able to "read the word." His view of literacy included the ability to recognize one's environment, to understand its workings, and to learn how to change one's position within that context. In Frieire's sense of literacy, one could be very literate in some contexts without actually knowing how to read and write.

Using a broader sense of literacy as a base, learning literacy can involve first ascertaining how one is able to read one's world. In my work with school aged children, that meant that we had to know how each individual learned best. There was no assumption that print text was the only way to gather information. Once individuals were encouraged to gather information, process it, and share it using whatever medium one wanted, they came to view themselves as true learners. This was transformative for the non-readers that had already travelled a few years along their schooling journeys. They had come to see themselves as not quite as able as their fellow students who were readers and writers. They had come to believe the labels that I euphemistically referred to as "less than acceptable." Changing this self-definition had the effect of unleashing their curiosity. They started to pursue learning with great energy. Many previously labelled "trouble-makers" became students who preferred to stay in at lunch and recess to continue their work rather than join in the activities that previously would land them in trouble. It was wonderful to observe.

We found that there were technologies that would assist the non-reader to gather some text based information and have it read to them. The same programs allowed them to define words that they did not understand. It allowed them to keep track of where they found information on the web. It encouraged them to learn to read and write by highlighting text as it was read to them. One program even allowed them to speak their thoughts into a microphone and see it transformed into text on the screen.

So, we have a computer lab at Knox. Granted, there are only three computers. At the moment, they sit unused most of the time. This could change. I see the potential for this resource to be used to provide opportunities for those youths that live on the street to learn some of the skills the lack of which has landed them on the streets - for whatever reasons. Perhaps this is an opportunity for us to provide unthreatening environments to some of those who can not learn in traditional learning centres.

Hey, I have thirty-three years experience working with students. I don't pretend to possess all the necessary training to teach all subjects from K - 12. However, I do know how to access the needed information. I have networks that might be accessed to develop this type of environment that could respond to the needs of those who truly need it.

Any reactions?

Switchfoot

2007-09-23T09:27:00.000-06:00

I just became aware of a music group that has some amazing songs. Switchfoot

They have three CD's that I have been loaned and, from what I find on the web, there are many more. One that has me really intrigued is "Under the Floor." I have printed the lyrics here.

Under The Floor

Under the floor
Between me and the door
There's a presence
I cannot deny

It's under the car
Between me and the stars
I see glory filling up the sky

And I'm certain that he hears me
He listens even as I sing my song
I'm emphatic that he's near me
And I can see his touch in everything here

Deep is the soul
Is the space I control
Is the one thing I can call as mine

Deeper the cold
When he's far from my soul
I surrender all of me inside

And I'm certain that he hears me
He listens even as I sing my song
I'm emphatic that he's near me
And I can see his touch in everything here

(These lyrics came from this website.)

More later. I think/hope this might lead me to some more current music. Let me know what you think, please!

Where do I get help if I need it in Calgary?

2007-09-20T09:22:00.000-06:00

I was just looking at the Calgary Children's Initiative site on the web to try to see what they are about. Without commenting on what I learned, I did find that they list available services and links to them on their site. The page where the links are listed in alphabetical order is here.

Some of the ones listed have me confused as to why they are there, but someone obviously thought they would be useful to SOMEONE. Others will take you to the home page of an organization and then you will have to find what you are looking for within the site. All the same, I figured that it is important to know where to go for help if you want it. Being healthy, having some level of sanity, and being able to find your own support are helpful if you want to develop a sense of spirituality.

I am still trying to get this conversation out to those who might want to join. I am going to send it out to the mailing list I developed here at my work. This is SO LIMITED, that I hope any visitors will help spread the word and send the link to their friends. Feel free to do so!

Namaste!

Music

2007-09-19T08:55:00.000-06:00

Some of the feedback I have received regards music at our church not really being relevant to youth. It isn't current, it is played traditionally, and the hymns are perceived as "archaic." I am trying to incorporate some more current music into my aspect of the worship service. My problem is that I am no longer as current with music as I once was. I have found certain types of music speak to me and my growing spirituality more than others. One of my favourites (Into the Mystic written by Van Morrison and recently covered by Colin James) is becoming a part of this Sunday's worship service. It certainly is different from what is normally a part of the worship service, but I also realize that it is "my music" not what youth would see as "current."

So what is out there that you find relevant? I am looking for anything that feeds you, that gives you that sense of being a part of it. What is the music that infiltrates your cells? That is what I find spiritually nurturing. Music that enters my body and becomes part of me while I hear it or perform it. Music that I seem to enter and become part of at the same time.

I'd love to share some of that!

In the beginning.....

2007-09-18T15:00:00.000-06:00

In the beginning, I wish there had been more light!

I am just beginning my new job as child and youth coordinator here at Knox United Church in Calgary. I have been a member of this church for about 20 years. I have found it a wonderful home in which I can explore and develop my sense of spirituality. At the same time, I have watched children grow and leave the congregation - at least leave the activity they once exercised within this community. I am aware of some of the reasons and will try to respond to what I have been told as well as try to figure out whether my hypotheses are accurate.

What this is will hopefully help respond to some of those concerns. I am hoping that this blog can gather some of the people who might come to Knox, but who are not yet coming, or who have changed from this place. I invite you to participate. Perhaps we can use this to start a conversation and an exploration into how we can make this church more responsive to youth. The church should be a place where youth feel safe, feel at home, feel like they are valued, honoured, respected, and where they have a voice.

If you are wondering about the "Huda Hakawi" aspect of this.....

I hated the idea of going to "Sunday School" when I was a child. I rejected it even more strongly as an adolescent. This is why I refuse to see my job as a director of Sunday School.

When I was an adolescent, I was far more involved with trying to figure out who I was, what I believed, where I was going, and what I wanted to do in my future. There were few places for me to go to explore that. I was lucky. I met some very radical thinkers. These people were also people of ACTION. Incidentally, they were involved with my church. They were NOT, however, people who "preached" to me or my friends. They were not, what we referred to as "bible thumpers." They did challenge us to think and feel.

I am hoping to be more like these mentors of my past. So "Huda Hakawi" is what I am trying to establish as a child and youth program at Knox. Huda Hakawi is simply "Who the heck are we?" written to seem like something else. It does, however, signal people that my aim is to take direction from the youth or children who become a part of what we do.

So:

Who are you?
Who do you want to be?
How do you want to become those people?
What role do you want?
What do you want to do?

I open the conversation to anyone who wants to participate. You don't need to be connected to our church or any church. You don't need to actually come to be physically present. I only ask you to join in the discussion. Let's see where it leads.

Who am I targeting?

Youth: 13 - 25.
Preferably near Calgary Alberta, but you don't have to be to engage in this discussion.
You likely are Christian or your family is so, but let's not limit this space to those who are Christian. Let's share who we are and get to know more about the diversity of the world. My daughter describes herself as not believing in anything. I would not close her from this conversation. She might have the questions and comments that stimulate real thought and growth.
Someone who is exploring their spirituality. Someone who wants to grow in her/his spirituality. Someone who wants to know themselves as a spiritual being.
Someone who doesn't mind "being in the process of growing".

I will not pretend to have the answers to all questions. I know that I am still growing in my own spirituality. I don't even know if I will have any answers to questions. I will, however, commit to exploring with you.

So, Who am I?

Staff Associate coordinating Children and Youth at Knox United Church.
Part of Knox United Church in Calgary Alberta
A former teacher and public school administrator
a father of two
Dr. Dan (this link will take you to my facebook page. You can get lots of info - likely more than you want.)

So let's see where we go. Please feel free to join in!