More water to wine

Yesterday, we racked the wine (transferred it from one carboy to another), got it off the sludge that is created during fermentation, added some stuff to help stop any further fermentation, and added more stuff that will help trap any "floaties" and will fall to the bottom and create another layer of sludge.

It's all rather symbolic, no? As we do things in our lives to further our spiritual growth, we become aware of the "sludge" in our lives. All the behaviours that make us less than who we might be. When we become aware of that "sludge," we have a choice to either eliminate it from our lives, or let it stay. Children are marvelous in this. They simply decide to eliminate it. As an adult, I find it more difficult. Do I really want to change who I am?

I used to complain that "born-again" Christians all seemed to come back as themselves, with very little change that I could see. They just quoted a lot of scripture, but seemed to lead the same debauched lives that they lead before being "born-again."

I see this process as an opportunity for me to be something different. As I identify the parts of my life that distance me from being the best I can be, I want to either modify those parts to allow my deeper spirituality or eliminate them. In doing so, my life as I have lived it previously must change. So what happens to my social network? What happens to my relationships with family and close friends? What happens to my primary relationship(s)? What happens to my goals? What happens to my previous plans for the future?

It is fascinating that some people see faith as a way to simplify their lives. They look to their religions for simple answers. I see that my faith journey is leading me through more complex questions and explorations. This seems like the opposite!

And, please let me be clear. I would have it no other way. I don't want my faith community to be easy. I want it to help me grow. I want it to be a place where the difficult questions can be examined. I want my faith community to be a place where I can live my beliefs.

Damien

So I promised the stories. What I can do here is include some of the details that were eliminated to ensure that we remained in the time frame given me for the service. Some of the details are changed so that the identity of the child is protected.

Damien was soon to be six when I first met him. I met him when his teacher called down to the office to ask me to come to her room because one of her children “was going wild,” standing in the middle of a round table, and kicking at anyone who came near to him. By the time I had arrived, the teacher had all the other children sitting quietly on the floor around her and she was reading a story to them. Damien, having no one near him, was no longer threatening anyone. He looked like he was in pain. While the teacher quietly read the story to the rest of the class, I slowly approached Damien and asked him if he was OK. He responded that he was and I asked him to come down from the table as I didn’t think it was a safe place for him. He told me that he was afraid that he would tip the table over and fall, so I told him that I would help him and catch him if he did fall. As he approached the edge of the table, it did begin to tip, he lost his balance and I caught him. I could feel his body stiffen at my touch so I immediately put him on the floor as safely and gently as I could. By now, the class was watching us, so I knelt down and whispered to him that I would like to talk with him outside the classroom and asked if there was anyone from the class that he wanted to accompany us. He told me that he didn’t have any friends and that it would be OK to come alone.

We went outside the classroom and sat on the floor. I asked him about getting on the table, about being angry, and about what had happened before his teacher gathered everyone on the carpet to read to them. He told me that he was using a coloured pencil when someone told him to give it to them. As he wasn’t finished, he said no. This person grabbed it from him, so Damien hit him. Then the other children started calling the teacher, telling her that Damien was hitting others. He was frightened that he was going to get in trouble so he got on the table and told everyone to get away or he’d kick them.

In this first of many conversations with Damien, I asked him why that situation was probably not a safe one. He could tell me right away that people could get hurt and that it wasn’t safe. He also told me how scared he was, how alone he felt, how unloved and uncared for he thought he was. He thought no one was going to listen to him and that he would be in trouble.

As Damien, his mother, the rest of his family, and I got to know each other better over the ensuing weeks; I discovered that he had been brutally sexually abused by his biological dad. He had also been physically abused by his much older brother. His mother worked 12 – 15 hours a day cleaning homes. If his grandmother was not able to take care of him before and after school, he was left in the care of the older brother who had previously beaten him. Mother had given up on accessing any support for fear that her children would be taken away from her.

All the same, Damien came to school every day well-groomed, well-fed, happy at the beginning of the day, excited about the potential that the school day held for him. Most days this lasted for a short period of time before I was called to come and support him while we tried to extricate him from some violent situation. Immediately after these situations, we would sit on the floor in the hallway outside of his classroom and talk. He would explain how he felt during the conflict and we began processing these conflicts with the other students involved. Through this, he began making friends and building relationships with others. Both he and those involved in the conflicts were willing to learn from what had happened and to forgive what had been seen as transgressions. As time went on, we would end our talks with a hug – no stiffening or tightness, but hugs into which Damien would melt. Sometimes he would cry, sometimes he would thank me.

During one of my last conversations with him, Damien talked about his father. He knew that I was aware of what had happened to him and what his father had done. After telling me that he knew I was aware of what his father had done, he told me that he still missed his father and that he still loved him “even though he was bad to me.” Then he asked me a question that I’ll never forget. He asked me “Is it OK that I miss him and that I still love him?”

So what does this have to do with spirit? What does it have to do with church? One of the readings we had yesterdays was from Mark 10. Verses 13 - 16.

People were bringing little children to him in order that he might touch them; and the disciples spoke sternly to them. But when Jesus saw this, he was indignant and said to them,

‘Let the little children come to me; do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs. Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it.’

And he took them up in his arms, laid his hands on them, and blessed them.

Damien has such a huge capacity for forgiveness. Though so many of the people surrounding him had, in some way, betrayed him and his safety; he continued to love them. He continued to care about them. He was willing to trust others and to share his self with them. I find this amazing and a testament to the beautiful spirit within him.

Water to Wine - addendum

As I read the posting, I realized that I did just what I would not want someone to do regarding this project - look at the wine-making as the central part of the project. It is only a symbolic part. The real journey is the one that we each take. The first post simply describes the process in which we engaged to make the "chemistry experiment." It is not the real essence.

If I want this to be in any way spiritual, I better take it seriously for myself.

As I consider the bubbling and churning must that is in the primary fermenter right now, I truly make a connection with myself and what I am looking at within my life. The literacy project is intended to stretch who I am and to see if I can challenge myself to work with the kids that will likely come through the door. No, a better way to say that is that I will challenge myself and that I CAN work with them. I WILL be successful in helping them learn whatever skill they put their minds to. My challenge will be to ensure that the goal is theirs alone - not some goal that I think would be worthy.

The scripture readings yesterday about Lazarus and the challenge to meet Lazarus wherever we find him is truly fitting. Even after death, the "wealthy man" in the story was still deciding what was right for Lazarus. He didn't get the message. It is not up to me to decide what is the right thing for these kids to learn. They have all kinds of experience with others setting their learning goals. That is likely why they are no longer in schools. If they are to be successful - and to OWN that success - they need to set the goals, work at them, and conquer whatever hurdles that are in their way. I offer to support them and guide, when requested.

The other thing that has me churning today is my attendance at the youth ministry institute at Naramata next week. The institute was initially a goal because they offered the sessions on "Godly Play" for the young at our church. As well, there was a session for the grade 5 - 7 age group. Both of these sessions have been cancelled. There certainly are other sessions that I could take, however, these were the two that drove me to make application to go. The costs of going are much higher than the money allowed for a part-time Staff Associate. The thought that the church would fork out that much money for me to go when the targeted sessions are no longer available is ludicrous. So I have decided, with some support from my colleague, not to go. Where the churning comes in is when I think about being in the Okanogan in the fall at, coincidentally, the same time as the wine festival. Wouldn't that have been a lovely time? Well, that is one dilemma that is easily solved. Another time, perhaps.

To be away at the same time as I am trying to establish a potentially new community literacy program also gives reason for question. The timing is NOT right.

I have been trying to set some goals for myself regarding prayer and being in touch with my spiritual self. I don't have a problem doing this or engaging in these behaviours. What is more difficult is talking about them. Particularly with a blog. Fortunately, I don't think very many people read this, so my privacy is not likely compromised. However, I am supposed to be an "intellect." People with their PhD's don't dabble with the spiritual, unless their graduate work is in divinity or ministry. I have no problem internally with my spiritual quest. I wonder why I still have trouble with doing so publicly.

When the second notice came that one of my central sessions at the institute was cancelled, I immediately prayed for some sense of guidance. I have been looking forward to this trip since it was first organized. However, I knew right away that I should change my plans along with the change in programming. I really am feeling that I am more in touch with that aspect of myself. I am also becoming so much more comfortable about my place along the journey. I know that I am not much further along than I was, perhaps twenty years ago. However, I do see that my growth has taken on a new direction and a new energy. When we learned that first prayer, last week, I felt that we were truly making a statement to the congregation that we see God as part of us - or at least I see God as part of me. It is strangely comforting as well as discomforting making that statement public. As I explore the lyrics of Switchfoot, I am further moved along this journey by their understanding or their apparent understanding. I had no resource like this when I was an adolescent. I find it exciting that the resource exists today.

I shall endeavor to remain in the real discussion as we proceed. I welcome your comments and questions!