Karla

When I shared my experiences with Karla on Sunday, I had no idea that I would be meeting someone whose family is going through similar trauma the next day. Yesterday, Kandace came to the church. She was obviously in a state of agitation and worry. She told me that her daughter, Susan, had just been taken into foster care and that she was going into treatment at the end of this week. She was walking by the church and felt driven to come in. She wanted to know if I would pray with her. Who could refuse a request like that? I ask anyone who is reading this to pray for both Kandace & Susan over the next while. They are in pain and their pain will not be subsiding for awhile. They both need as much light, comfort, support and love as God can provide. Let’s share ours with them. In their honour, I share my story of Karla:

There are so many people for whom Karla will remain vividly etched in their memories. Some of my first recollections of her are images of mildly disruptive behaviours in the classroom and more seriously disruptive behaviours in the lunchroom. Karla had been diagnosed ADHD in grade one, and I first met her in grade two. When Karla took her medication, she was pretty attentive and focused in class. By lunchtime, she would forget to take the noontime dose and would disrupt the lunchroom. This would remind US to give her the meds and the afternoon would go fairly well.

At the end of her second grade year, Karla transferred to another school. At the time, I had a conversation with her mother explaining that change was never an easy thing for ADHD kids. I stressed that Karla had pretty well stabilized and set some routines that were helping her, and that her mother would need to ensure that the same routines were established at the new school. Though I had spent more than average time with Karla and her parents, I had pretty well removed her from my consciousness by the beginning of October the next school year.

At the end of November, I received a phone call from a colleague who was the principal at Karla’s new school. She was calling as she had read the file, seen that Karla had experienced some success at our school, and wanted some advice. She then described a child with whom I had obviously never had any contact. The child she described crawled on the floor making animal sounds. This child threw things at her teacher, ran from authorities, swore in front of her classmates, destroyed anything she could get her hands on, and disrupted not only her classroom but the entire school.

Through a process that began that day, we discovered that both of Karla’s parents had developed serious drug issues. Not only were they using drugs purchased illegally on the street, they were using Karla’s ADHD medication, drinking excessively, and were mostly unconscious during Karla’s waking hours. At grade three, Karla was getting up by herself, preparing her own breakfast and lunch, preparing for school, showing up on-time EVERY DAY, and doing her homework every night. She was obviously absorbing what occurred during the classroom while she was there (in spite of her disruptive behaviour) – the only indication of this being the completed homework – mostly correct.

The process resulted in Karla’s father moving out and getting control of his substance abuse. Karla’s mother began a string of unsuccessful rehabilitative processes that took her away from home for weeks at a time. Karla wound up back with us, living with her grandmother, with grandma having legal custody of Karla and her well-being.

During this process, personnel from the two schools met with Karla, her family, and support personnel from the school board and social services. During these meetings, at which Karla never exhibited the behaviours that my colleague described, she apologized to people at her new school for her disruptions and helped plan for her re-entry to our school.

Upon her return, I wish I could say she stabilized and returned to her former behaviour pattern. However, that would be far from the truth. We were, however, able to re-establish our relationship with her and discover the depth of trauma that had occurred in the short time that she was away from us. We were able to connect her to many of the necessary support services she needed to start healing. She tested our relationships constantly and we were relentless in our consistency with her.

One particular example of this consistency regarded promises. I had told her early on in this journey that I would keep any promises I made to her. (Promises were often broken during her parents’ darkest period.) I told her that some promises were the kind she would be happy that I kept and that others would be ones that she would likely wish I broke. We had made an agreement that if she could keep adequate control of her behaviour for a fairly long period of time, remaining in class without disrupting her class, she would be welcome to participate in a special outdoor school program to which we had been invited. I also said that once she had done so, she would be going to the “camp” regardless of any behaviour that ensued after that period of time. However, if she was disruptive or made it impossible for others to learn in class, she would be removed from class and would have to go home for the rest of that day.

Karla was able to control her behaviour for three weeks in a row – the required time for the agreement. In fact, as I wanted to give her some wiggle room, we began this agreement six weeks prior to going to “camp.” She had fulfilled the agreement during the first three weeks. The first day after having fulfilled her obligation, she disrupted the class within the first hour of the day. I called her to the office to explain that one of her grandparents was on the way to pick her up and that she would be going home for the rest of the day. She began a temper tantrum that was amazingly energetic, foul, ear-piercing, and full of crocodile tears. She called me a liar and cursed me for breaking my promises. After she calmed down, I asked her which promises I had broken. She told me that I had promised her that she could go to camp and I was sending her home. I calmly reminded her that I had said nothing about camp in that day's incident. I affirmed that she had fulfilled her agreement about camp and that she was, indeed, going. I also reminded her that I had told her that if she disrupted class, she would be going home. These were separate agreements and one did not have any connection to the other. The only way she would jeopardize the camp agreement would be if she disrupted class on the day of departure and need to be sent home. However, as we were leaving before the beginning of classes that day, I doubted she would be able to sabotage that agreement. By the time that her grandparent had arrived, Karla was calm, went willingly, telling about how this was not going to affect her camp experience. “I fulfilled my agreement. I get to go!” During the following three weeks, Karla disrupted her class two more times, each time going home willingly.

Her mother continues to struggle with her own demons and Karla remains with her grandmother. On her last day of grade 6, she told her teachers and the school personnel that worked with her that she would miss us as we were like family members to her. She gave me a hug that day that I thought would never end.